Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Caregiving

Funny how your life can change overnight
One minute you are wondering what you are here for and the next you have purpose..

My elderly aunt who is 86 and very Independent and never wanted me to help her called me
she wanted me to place her in a nursing home because she did not feel well I told her I would get help to take her to the Hospital and then if they thought she needed a nursing home we could go from there..
So I checked her in and she has COPD, Emphasema (never smoked all from second hand smoke) and now Pnemonia
Overnight I became another caregiver...It is sad to see them like that but helped me also to find someone else to care for...as I was going through the (after caregiving syndrom)
The therapist came in and tried getting her to stand and she could not stand...she sat on the bed and looked at me and said "have you ever seen anything like this??" I replied "yes twice before."

She is doing better but I am taking it all one day at a time and in the meantime being there for her...Life is just full of turns...You never know who will need you next..

Friday, July 23, 2010

My Life

Right now I am trying to fill my life with fun and activities...
I am working Overtime as hubby has worked some also...and we are making
trips to the lake and I am planning activities with my High school friends and with my
craft friends...at least that way I do not think of our childless state nor about not having the
parents...
I think it has been decided I am going through a midlife crisis to where you just wake up
one day and everyone except your husband is gone!!! Well I have made it thought puberty, I have made it through my teen years, school, marriage and raising the parents through their elder years so yes I will make it through this also...
I have found if it feels bad I do not have to do it...like our sunday school class...I LOVE the people it is not their fault...but when I go I feel bad because they talk about their kids and their families
and I start feeling bad...so we go occasionally when we want...Is that bad?? Do you have to be in church every single Sunday to be a Christian? What about when you feel like you don't belong??
I have downloaded a Bible to my phone so I can get scripture...it is so hard to get into Gods word as much as I try...but I believe church attendance is between only me and God He alone knows my heart and my hurts...He will be there I have to believe that!!!
Life can be fun and it can be exciting and that is my goal to make it that way!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Friends

Thank God for friends...
Was feeling bad about shopping...Missed the trips Mom and I used to take and it got to the point I did not want to go shopping and when I did I would not spend and did not know why I even went anyways I replied to a friend on Facebook and one thing led to another I got a Personal e-mail from a HS buddy who said "I may not be your Mom but would love to go shopping" so three of us connected and spend the day shopping...We had a blast!! We went out to lunch, then to alot of stores where we bought and I got a new purse and shoes...then topped it off at Braums...
Thank God for friends who care!!!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

July 4th Holiday

July 4th was really hard on me...
we went to our camping property at the Lake and it was a blast...but my memories kept going
back to Mom and Dad...my life is totally different this year...we usually stay home for the Holidays and have Mom and Dad come over for a picnic or BBQ however this is our first year
without the parents and after spending over 30 yrs with them on the Holidays we have to get out and do something different as it would be no good to just sit at home and be depressed so it is better to be out and about at the lake and be depressed right???
It worked...yes I missed them both horribly but being at the lake was far better and kept my mind off of until....at least until we got back home and I sat down and had a chance to think about them and our lives...I have a feeling we will be taking alot more week-end trips...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Where Ever He Leads I'll go

Whereever HE leads I will go....
I have sung this song many, many times...I am sure you also have sung this song also...but do you really mean it?? Do I really mean it???

I seem to have a problem that has magnified since the death of my Precious Mother...
a very dear friend of mine has told me I talk about it too much and it makes me negative but I am not so sure about that...
First off my problem is we were never blessed to have children. No one understands where I come from...Parents don't understand the feelings of being left out from conversations and discussions. We go to church (the family place to be) but we don't feel like a family because we are only two...we go to Sunday School where most of the discussions revolve around parenthood..It is often decided that because they are parents and grandparents they are special (where does that leave us??)
When Mom was alive I felt I had a purpose I was able to "Mother the Mother" and I was her care-giver...first my Dad and then my Mom I did this for about 10 yrs and I felt needed and now I don't feel needed..I feel lost.
I look through the church builetin and everything is for children, teenagers and elderly..couples our age are busy with their families so there are no activities for the Middle aged couple with no children..So we fill our time with going to the lake and making our own friends...
Look at your friends...most parents have friends who are parents of their childrens friends...they meet each other in school or school activities...we do not have that priviliage...
I hear parents talk about their activities...most are around their children...basketball games, football games, volleyball, music programs, plays, programs...
But we have none of these activities...we are not even close to our nieces or nephnews so that is not an option either...
At times I feel so sorry for my husband as I have made friends through my crafts...My cross-stitch, my crochet I have retreats to attend and once a week meetings and once a month dinners...
My husband has tried so hard. He got a hunting gun but the guy who was to go with him ended not going, he bought a bow and arrow set, but could not find a friend to go hunting, he now has a fishing boat and is looking for a friend to go fishing with and is talking about getting into golf as he hears of everyone going golfing...he is trying so hard to find a guy friend to hang out with..

For the past 32 yrs our Holidays have revolved around the parents..we spent every Holiday with them..having picnics, BBQ's, going to nursing home activities, assisted living activities, etc and now we just have ourselves...I am totally lost...I am trying to take it one Holiday at a time..I have given away most all my Christmas decorations..Why decorate for only two?? I don't want to do Thankgiving either Why cook a big Turkey for only two??? One Holiday at a time...summer holidays are not too bad as I can at least to go the lake and meet people there..

We are not close to our relatives or else distance seperates us so we don't see them except on facebook or by text...I long for relatives...

Now do I talk about this too much??? Lets see I go to meetings and parties and what do the women talk about?? Their children, how they had their children, the pain involved in childbirth and the trouble children have caused and they get advice from each other...I am totally left out of the conversation...so what do I have to talk about??
My surgeries, how much we wanted children how it never happened and the hurt in my heart and how it makes me feel left out of society...
Is there any other couples out there who are childless??? If so I don't meet them in church...
Will it ever get better???
I try NOT to get mad at God but does He really understand a childless woman?? On Mothers Day or a childless man on Fathers Day??
If you were in my shoes If you never had your children could you really say "Whereever He leads I will go???"