Sunday, May 23, 2010

Memorial Day 2010







Here it is Memorial Day and we will be going to the Lake
So I decided to go to the store and buy flowers for Mom and Dads grave..
No big deal, not really...
I really don't believe in decorating graves...at least not until last year...

Last year I took Mom to the cemetary where they had a ceremony and we decorated
Dads grave and they read his name because he was a veteran

So first I went to the store and got the flowers one for Moms grave and one for Dads grave
then I picked up and dogs and took them to see my elderly aunt...she is now 86 and the last
one of that era in the family...
She is blessed to have grandchildren and their husbands even though they do not come about
She was worried about DHS cutting off her money and having to move into a nursing home...
I wish we could take her to live with us here...as I hate seeing anyone move into a nursing home..

I then took the dogs and headed to the cemetary...I put the flowers on the graves...I then headed home...It was not until I went past where Target and Wal-Mart used to be that it really hit me...I HATE coming through this part of town...
such memories...when Mom and I would go Christmas shopping together or just shopping together...when I went to Target to get them a shower curtain because Mom could not get into the tub with the shower doors there and we had to take them down and put up a shower curtain...when they called me from work because Mom fell at Wal-Mart...when we went Christmas shopping first to Target then across the street to Wal-Mart then down the street to Ventures then over to the Mall...sadly all are gone...baren and vacant just like what they have left in my heart and life...How much I miss them...the city has changed, my life has changed...I long to just go back five years...I long for them to talk to me again...to laugh together to love together...as I got home I had a bag of sunglasses I had taken out of my car that was towed because the hail totaled...what did I find in the bottom??? small kernals of popcorn from when Mom and I used to go see Christmas lights every year...a tradition...one that will never happen again...Yes Memorial Day and I remember my parents and how much I miss them...tears fall so slowly as I remember all the good times and bad times we had together...I had the best parents ever...Maybe I was too close to them but my husband would tell me often..."go take care of your parents they won't be here forever!!" so now I am to go take care of my husband...

Do we live like God Doesn't exist??

This was the SS lesson for today...kinda makes you think doesn't it...
the essence of the lesson was
Do we believe in God....
#1 But don't know Him
#2 But are ashamed of our past
#3 But won't forgive (Mark 11:25-26)
#4 But think He doesn't love us
#5 But think He is not fair
#6 But don't think you can change yourself
#7 But we worry all the time (Matt 6:25-34)
#8 But not in prayer

I think the ones that spoke to me the most were #4 But think He doesn't love us and
#5 But think He is not fair and #7 But worry all the time
first off I will start with the stress involved when I was helping the parents...there were
times I screamed out because I did not understand just why God was doing this to me???
Why was he having me take care of parents and deal with their finances, their medical,
and DHS all at the same time???
I did not think God was fair to me and I worried not only about me but about the parents and
their finances...
Well as time went on and after the parents went on I now understand why we allowed them to live a long life...It was not for their sake but for mine...because they fulfilled my life...all our Holidays were spent with them..all our time was spent with them...all our activities were with them...and now that they are gone there is a void...it is only my husband and I and I truely miss having family...I get jealous of those that have family...
So we now come to my life now...do I feel any more loved??? Do I feel God is anymore fair??? I would say no not really because I do not understand why He did not allow us to have children and I don't think it is fair and at times I feel He didn't love us enough to allow us to raise children...Do I worry less?? No because I worry about our elderly years...how will we survive?
We won't have children to help and I worry about where we will end up..
I wonder if it is ordinary Like it says in Proverbs that the Barren Womb is never satisified or if
I can ever reach satisifaction in my life??
Sometimes I go to church and even seeing families makes me sad because I wonder why we don't have one???
I will strive for Happiness reguardless and Hope that God does love me and there is a reason why!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Dads

My dad passed away Oct 08, 2008 and I never really grieved for my dad until after Mom passed...I guess I was busy helping Mom through her grief over him that I just did not concentrate on myself...
Anyways I have now started to really missing him and with Fathers Day and his BD month both coming up I started missing him...
We were talking at work and several girls say they did not have Dads that were there for them and that is carries over into adulthood when the Dad is not there for you...I on the other hand am quite blessed....
My Dad was always there for me....He was quiet and shy and definately not the leader of the family nor the discipilarian...(Mom did all that) but Dad was a Dad...he spent time with us...he was the one I went camping with, he was the one that played softball with me, that took me to the park that tried to sooth everything over by taking us out for ice cream...
Mom was the one I went to Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart or grocery shopping with,
Dad was the one I went to the swap meet, auto supply store or take out for breakfast with...

I was fortunate to get to know both parents as after my sister got married I had about 3-4 yrs of just me and Mom and Dad...we went on vacation trips together, we went to church together, we had time to talk together, at times I would have dinner ready for them...I got to know them and maybe that is why I cared for them in their elderly years...

I still won't part with the Magnet Dad bought for me at the auto supply store...I think it cost him 99 cents but he bought it for my craft projects so I could pick up needles with it...
After my Dad passed I made a list that went something like this...
Things I have never seen my Dad do:
1- Get drunk
2- Smoke
3- Cuss
4- Go out with other women
5- Go to a bar

Things I have seen my Dad do
1- Attend church
2- Pray
3- Read his Bible
4- Take up the offering
5- Cry when he heard a testimony
6- Spend time with his daughters
7- Hold hands with his wife

Yes I was truely blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Anniversary May 17, 1978





































As of May 17 we will have been married 32 ...
I look back to when we got married...
times were tough and jobs scarce but we survived...
I had moved to Lawton, OK with some friends of mine
when the money ran out my friends did too..
So here I was in a city I knew no one and I was very lonely and depressed...

I prayed for God to send me someone and I met my husband the next week...
We met in Jan and got married in May...we met at a Christian singles party where only
three of us had never been married and the other gal was engaged...
So hubby asked me out for coffee then he said "By the way you have to drive...I don't have a car nor a license"

I found out later he had wrecked his sisters car and had two DUI tickets...fortunately for us he quit drinking after that...

But we plunged into marriage with great expectations...
We would be happily ever after...we would have a BIG house, BIG cars, lots of land and lots of children...isn't that what most young people do?? Look forward to have a happily ever after life..

Little did we know what lay in store...
Lets see I could go into the infertility quest...with tests, drs visits, operations etc and still no child...or the adoption games where we would apply time after time and have them call us and say they have a child for us only to call again and say they changed their minds...
Or how about becoming the parent to the parent?? We never imagined my parents would become elderly and old and need the help they needed...Nor can I imagine how I did what I did for them...

Their have been money problems, job problems, acts of God (like recently to where we need repairs to both the house and the cars), and now we are looking at our retirement years ourselves...

Without children we have to decide now just how we will survive without the other one if something should happen since we do not have family...Or how we will spend our Sr years...

I look back on life and our marriage and life is short...32 yrs seems like a long time but it hasn't been it seems like just yesterday we were looking at the blissful life...

I once heard someone say...It is not the date of birth or the date of death but the dash inbetween that is what is important...
I hope to have 32 more years with my husband but if not then I know life will go on and I will go on and it is the precious memories that we cherish and look back on...

Yes I would have wanted the big house and the house full of children however if I had the big house I would have not had the memories of rebuilding the old house on Shartel or repairing our hail damaged roof and if I had the house full of children then I could not have honestly say that our marriage is not just held together for the sake of the children.. and I would not have the memories of my lovely husband holding me in his arms when I cried so desperately for the child that we did not have....If I had not had elderly parents I would not have known how he would tell me "Its OK spend time with your Mom she will not be here forever" or how he would have our Lunch ready after I took Mom to church or how he
said it was OK for Dad to live with us for a year and that he would say "yes bring your mother home for the Holidays.." Knowing that she could barely walk and was constantly depressed and forgetting even simple tasks...

He has been the best husband in the world.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tornadoes







I live in Tornado Alley...
have had tornados my entire life...so when I heard yesterday there was a tornado watch I thought nothing of it...Until I started my drive home..
well I was on the Interstate (which was traveling bumper to bumper in rush hour traffic) now how come they call it rush hour when everyone is traveling at a snails pace??
Anyways all of a sudden I hear the tornado sireens Well hello I cannot go anyplace except sit here in traffic so I listen to the radio...storms on the far NW side of town and I am headed SE no problem as long as this traffic starts moving again (to which it did)..
Well it starts raining and at times getting kinda hard so I decide to jump off the Interstate and go down the back roads...so I get off and am traveling at a good pace now...I turn onto another street and have a couple miles to go before I am home..it is raining off and on hard at times..I am almost to my neighborhood when I hear ping pong...I am in a hail storm..I have been in a hail storm before so no problem until I hear a crack...my front windshield is cracking so I think a hail stone has hit it...well I am in the neighborhood now...not just one crack but now the entire windshield is cracking...I am terrified at this point and crying and praying and I am almost home...
When I reach the house I call hubby on his cell phone and scream "HELP!!! HELP ME!!! I AM HERE AND I NEED HELP"'
Well hubby comes to my rescue and fortunately neither one of us are hurt...
After I get home my back glass pops out...so after wards we access the damage...two vehicles both suffered major hail damage to the windshields...Mine has major hail damage to the body..house has holes in it and back yard looks like craters...but we are both OK and thankful that Mother Nature did not take our lives...I have never seen hail that big before..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Thank God for Praying Mothers

THANK GOD FOR PRAYING MOTHERS
BY-Nita Bourland for Mothers Day 2010

Thank God for praying Mothers
Whose Babe on Bosom lay
Praying to sustain this child
Each and every day.

Thank God for praying Mothers
Whose toddler often falls
Praying God will guide his steps
And he'll listen when God calls.

Thank God for praying Mothers
Whose prayers guide the teen
In choosing right from wrong
And help in ways unseen.

Thank God for praying Mothers
When the child is now full grown
To help in marriage and choices
To guide in ways unknown.

Thank God for praying Mothers
Who become elderly and frail
Often forgetting simple tasks
Crying to God who guides their trail.

Thank God for praying Mothers
To whom you have called on...
Whose child looks up to you in Faith
When she misses the Mother that is gone...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Mothers Day again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ&feature=PlayList&p=82CBA93FA3C6B879&p

Well here I am again talking about "Mothers Day" again...
So tell me which is worse...Not being a Mother on Mothers Day or not having a Mother on Mothers day???
I guess this year I am faced with a double whammy...I seem to not be a Mother nor do I have a Mother now...
Mothers Day now is just another day to me....
Lets start with the first....I am not a Mother...seems I am the Only one in the entire world that never had kids...
Well this Mothers Day God has let me meet all kinds of Women that do not have children...most by choice but here is my First blessing God has showed me this year I am not alone...
Second God has showed me through people my blessings...My supervisor just told me recently that they knew a picture perfect couple who were trying to have children to no avail so they are getting a divorce...Blessing #2 a Strong Marriage
and finally God has showed many that many others understand where we have been...I met a family recently who also has tried to adopt and had many obstacles but finally suceeded they understood my adoption stories unlike the many that thing adoption is an easy way to be a parent...Blessing #3 understanding friends
Now for my second...I miss having a Mom this year...My emotions are running wild...at times I feel like I could just sit down and cry...so I think back I often would ask...Why do I have to go through this with my parents??? Why do I have to be the caregiver??
Now I know the reason...so that when I miss the parents I just look back to the nursing home days...back to when Dad was calling 911 from the nursing home because he was cold, Mom was upset over junk mail and I was fighting the nursing home over a $16,000 Wheel chair therapy bill....
Yes times will be tough but many times we do not understand why until after the fact...God is giving me understanding...
I was talking to a co-worker recently who told me of a relative who lost people in her life and when her Mom passed she went crazy...Yes it could happen...I love both Mom and Dad but life will go on without them I have to realize I was able to enjoy them or yet I was blessed to have them for over 87 yrs...Not everyone has that priviliage...Blessing #3 God blessed me with being able to enjoy my parents in their Sr years..
So as Mothers Day approaches I am doing what I can to go on to be happy...I am busying myself with mailing cards to everyone I can think of (I even mailed myself a card that I thought Mom would have wanted me to have and I wrote a personal note in it) I sent flowers to my elderly aunt and we plan on enjoying the week-end camping...Oh yes I am a woman and I am sure to shed a tear or two but on the other hand it will not effect me to the point to where it will destroy my life...so God is good especially to me this Mothers Day!!