Friday, October 29, 2010

Why I want to be a Mother

I know I will never be a Mother but thought I would explain why it bothers me so much

You see I know how special Mothers are...
There is a special bond between Mothers and Daughters
I had that...I had that with my Mom I LOVED shopping with her and I LOVED helping
her and I was proud
Just last year I took her shopping and I was so proud

Well there is also a Special bond with Mothers...they are all special and I see the bond they
have...I feel left out of that bond...I don't know why God did not let me have that bond but
It does hurt me to not have that bond

So for all you Mothers out there...YOU are special...and that is why I do not feel special...
perhaps I am in a way but not the way I want to celebrate my womanhood...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I am sad

I am sad today
Why is it when women get together they seem to talk about how they had their kids
Labor and delivery...
Conversations I will NEVER be able to participate in...
Sometimes I just HATE my life and I wish I could just be a hermit because women don't
care how I feel...

They keep on and on with the conversation not realizing there are people in the room that do not have children...then I go to church thinking it will be better and it is NOT...we are the only couple in the church that wanted children but never have them...the preacher preaches about
his family and in SS they say "Mothers and Grandmothers are special"

We are not special we are no bodies...we are just here trying to find our own activities to fill our lives...we don't have the ball games to attent like parents do, we don't have school programs like parents do...we don't have the baby showers, the graduations etc

I feel so ALONE!!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Good Grief part 2

Last night was OK
Found out alot of my feelings are quite normal...
Found out people are normal too

They tell me it is OK to see sad at times, OK to have feelings...
We mask our feelings
When people say "how are you" we say fine when we are not...

Because that is what they want to hear...
We ignore our feelings...we tend to say "that is not for me"
or it is for someone else...

I remember after Mom died I kept telling everyone that because she was
elderly it was much easier...however that is not true...I had her longer
I was close to her and the longer you have her the closer you are to them
the harder it is...

Yes I masked my feelings because that is what I wanted to think...
Yes Mom and Dad and Goldie were elderly however they were my life...
Now it is like we have an empty nest...
We are starting out all over again...by ourselves...
One day one hour one minute at a time..

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Adoption option

Saw an acticle today about adoption and it made me wonder all over again
Why God did not allow us to adoption a child...

I think alot of people look at us as if we did not try and I think alot of people think adoption is easy...
We went through all the adoption stuff...the home study, the interviews, the paperwork, we had an agency who ripped us off, we tried going through an attorney, we even put an add in the paper and had a couple want us to adopt their child...

With each adoption prospect it would get so close and then their minds would change or it would fall through or something would happen...we have even had people call us from the hospital and say they had a baby for us and then call us an hour later to say minds have changed...
I completely lost count I think it was 7-8 adoptions that we lost...

Yes I do wonder why...but once I heard someone say Why Not??
Why not me to be the one to tell how it feels??
Why not me to be the one to hug the woman who has just lost her child she was carrying or the adoption they were trying for...
Because I totally understand the pain involved...
Life isn't always perfect but we just have to live one day at a time and look for the one who needs us the most!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Cell Phone Silence

We got our cell phones so we could reach each other easily and so that when something happened to Mom and Dad we could be contacted easier...
We have loved our cell phones and at times gone over our minutes....
The aide would call "Your Mom is impossible!!! She won't take a shower" or "Your Dad fell" "is he OK" "Yes he is fine just bruised" over and over it rang with both good news and bad...

I would call my Mom and she would call me...talked to Mom just about every day...(even on vacation) talked to my Aunt also...we came from a family of talkers at least Mom, aunt Goldie and I....we all loved it...

I would tell Mom about the doggies...It would cheer her up...

But now my cell phone is silent...dead as a door...I play the games on it and check my e-mail
Oh I may get an occasional phone call but it is definately not ringing off the hook...
I am sad
The next generation does not call...they text or facebook and so people like me sit in silence...
I am beginning to HATE this new generational communication...

My sister would not call my Mom...she does not call me...she instead sends 4 page letters telling how much money she does not have...duh!!!
That is not communication at all...

I would just love to throw my phone in the trash...what good is it?? I can't wait until all these Holidays are over with and maybe I will get happier...

Monday, October 11, 2010

camping

We like to go camping alot...
Had quite a bit of stress free camping trips when we had two elderly parents to tend to...
Now all of a sudden they are gone...
Funny how things work...parents stress you out while they are here (dad calling you wanting you to help), Mom worried constantly about you...
Then they are gone and you really miss them...you miss the phone calls and the conversations...
I would call Mom from our camping trailer...
I would tell her when I got there and when I left...
I would tell her about the little turtles and squirrels...

I would tell her how much I loved her
Now I feel sad because she is no longer here to share with...
I have no one to share with and
my cell phone grows cob webs on it as I sit by the camp fire!!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Good Grief part 1

I signed up for a grief class...

It was really good...it teaches you what grief is and that you are not alone in all this and even
after so much time it is normal to still experience it...

There was a young girl sitting next to me who cried...I wanted to reach out and hug her but I
didn't...I found out her Mom had just died several month ago...

I feel so bad because I miss my Dad, my Mom and my aunt and all my relatives and because it seems like I have no one at all...
So what do I do for the Holidays...this will be covered in class...good another lesson

After class I will call her Peggy (not her real name) met the teacher after class...she was in tears well yes her grief is fresh...I hugged her and it felt good to have someone who had something in common...She missed her Mom...I missed mine too...

She cried and I cried with her.....If is Normal to still miss Mom after (almost a year)???
Is it Normal to get depressed over Holidays??? Is it normal to cherish Moms things...to think of her, to feel sad because my husband (to whom I must live with the rest of our lives) deleted Mom off the phone...
I found out Yes...yes...and yes...

I am normal and so glad I am...I think this class will certainly be good for me!!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Christmas Ornament

Christmas Ornament I made in class
Plan on making more



Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What is Grief

Ever wonder what Grief is???

Heck if it is crying all the time after losing someone I think I do qualify!!

Seems like when you lose someone you get all kinds of cards...
people box you in "Call me if you need me" or "I will be praying for you"
Oh all this is good and appreciated but then what about the week after or the month afterwards??

Does grief last a few days then goes away??
I remember after Mom passed I was OK until the day of the funeral then I went limp...
I had to have the neighbor help me dress...
and the following Sunday oh I was OK at church then I broke down in the middle of Kohls...
Me the person that definately does not like to call people called a friend of mine who talked me through it...
"yes you are normal" "go to your car and have a good cry and yes, dear this will not be the last time"

So after losing three in two years I am going to attend a Grief support group...
By the time my life is finished I will be a member of so many support groups it will be a record...
A weight support group, an Alzheimers support group, care-givers support group, Grief Support group and a Stitchers support group....

Maybe I will get answers and maybe not but at least I am trying!! As long as we try that is what counts!!

Lost

Tonight I got lost going home from stitch night

I had a moment or so where I did not know where I was....
I was going on the side of some expressway but where was I...

After while I ended up about a mile from where I should be...
How did I get there??? I did not know then all of a sudden I figured it out...
but when you have been a care giver for so long I think You actually have a fear...

Am I going to get Alzheimers??? Am I going to get Parkinsons and end up in a nursing home??
How will I turn to?? Who will help me?? What if my husband dies and I am by myself??

All these are common feelings and do not go away overnight!! It may take a lifetime....

In the meantime...I am glad I finally got back to reality..

Why I write

Maybe alot of people will read my writting and think it is depressive however I write
to get my feelings out...

Alot of times I cannot express myself to anyone...OK so we don't have kids but you cannot explain to a woman who has 5-6 kids what it is like to not have any...
Alot of times I feel like I am by myself in my feelings and sadness so I write about how I feel...

It sure does help me...It may not help you or it may who knows there may be another childless couple out there who has the same feelings...or someone who had lost their Mom and Dad or someone to whom can relate...
If not I can relate to myself...
I have been a writter since High School...sometimes sad sometimes happy...

Even in sadness you can be blessed...even with no children you can be blessed...even with a household of children you can be blessed...even in death you can be blessed

and so we all trudge along and I write so I can express how I feel!!!

My Church

Ok guess I will tell a bit about my church...

Kinda strange...It is a BIG church and I mean BIG has probably 5,000 members...
We are not close to anyone in the church...we have acquaintances in the church but not anyone I feel I could call and talk to..

We choose this church because alot of times we were in a small church and with not having kids they thought we had just all the time in the world and we ended up doing about everything...just got tired...
For along time we rode motorcycles so we were gone and had no church home...we were in a Christian Motorcycle ministry so not like we didn't get preached to...
Then came caring for the parents...when Dad moved in with us I concentrated on him and Mom
Told dad "you took me to church when I was little so we will make sure you can go to your church" poor man he was a deacon in his church and had Parkinsons but he did his church records for his SS class...so every Sunday Dad and I would head to his church I would drop him off to be with Mom and his class...then I would go home (our only time to be along with each other) and then I would pick him up after church where Mom would come over and we would all have dinner together (had a family then at least)
Then when dad got in the nursinghome I was soooo upset and crying all the time (don't think I have ever stopped) and that is when we joined the church...we would go every other week as I took turns (with their aide) taking Mom to SS then across the street to be with Dad They would sit together in church at the nursinghome and hold hands it was quite sweet...

We were under so much stress I would write a Prayer request every week...they have a terrific prayer ministry and I was grateful..

The church has been helpful during both the deaths of my parents...
It is just kinda strange going to a church where the Pastor does not even know you...Oh he knows our name but that is about it...
Alot of times we feel lost...
They have alot of activities for parents and teens and little kids but nothing for a couple like us that has no family...they even have a Womans activities but I am gone so much with my cross-stiitch friends that I feel guilty leaving my husband at home all the time...
We need couples activities and I can see my husband has no "Christian men friends" He needs some but has done...I get worried about that but then I cannot change things...
I have alot of Christian women friends from my Cross-Stitch group, my HS friends, and work but My husband does not have that...

I think of all the pastors we have had in the past...Bro John and Bro Delancey were both terrific and have since gone to be with God...so having a pastor that is so distant is strange...I tried once to go on a Sunday Night but ended up in tears remembering my great pastor...I don't believe you should be sad when you go to church...NO Way...

I don't blame the pastor because this is the church we have chosen at the time...I just remember the great ones I have had....and wish my husband could find the good Christian men examples like I have had in the past...

And so we go to church...why because we should but we also have our enjoyment at the lake (we have made lots of friends there) no we are not sinners just a loving couple that does not want to spend their lives just going to work and church and that is all...we believe in having FUN!!!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Depression

So is is normal to be so depressed???
Especially with Holidays coming??

Nothing seems to effect my hubby...he just takes it all in a grain of salt...
Not ME I cry and look at old pictures and cry

I think this depression is because at the end of this week is the anniversary of my Dad passing...
wish I could spend one more day with him...
He was always the dad that could fix anything,,,then he started relying on my to fix everything for him...
He was the dad that would spend time with me...played ball with me when I was younger...then when I got older Mom and I were shopping budedies but Dad he was my breakfast partner...the man loved going out for breakfast...
We also had many camping trips together...
At the end I would go to the nursinghome and sit with him and share a pop with him...

Heck no wonder I cry because he was gone he was a GOOD dad and not too many have good dads these days...I was very fortunate!!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Thanksgiving and Christmas

back about 6 month ago I was dreading the Holidays...


What are we going to do without Mom and Dad and my aunt now...
Holidays for the past 10 yrs have been
pick up aunt Goldie..
then get Mom and Dad (dad was in the nursinghme at one pt we hired a service to bring him
here for the Holiday dinner)
then we would have a big celebration complete with Turkey for Thanksgiving and Ham for Christmas..

But within two years they are gone!!

So what are we going to do now??

Our entire life this year is under adjustment...went from camping in campgrounds to a stationary camper
I was worried at first but now we are planning to travel for Thanksgiving...we are going to Lawton to visit relatives we have not seen in a long time
For Christmas we have no one to shop for anymore (all gift cards) so we are adopting a family of 6 who would not have a Christmas and we have already been invited by a friend to have Christmas dinner at her parents house..It will be different..I feel like an orphan that needs a place to celebrate...

At least we won't be alone and we will have people that love us all around us..
Look both forward and with tears the upcoming Holiday season..

In the eyes of God

I seem to make a decision (read one scripture verse a day)...well I don't know what is wrong but it will last for maybe a day or two or three then I forget or my life gets in the way..

What happened to my dedication or devotion?? Where am I at in the eyes of God...

I don't think God wants our dedication and devotion and yes he loves to see the person who is reading the entire Bible in a year however to me right now God seems so faw away...It may be all the struggles we have been through the past 10 yrs...caring for the parents...screaming out "why does God hate me??" the death of the parents...the guilt of things I could have gone differently...feeling ashamed the I screamed at God!! Wishiing the parents were still here (even with the stress and struggles) The many tears I cried at night and many tears I still cry...when I am alone in the dark with no one watching except me and God..

But I believe God see our effort also...He is pleased when we try...He may not look at it as failure the way we look at it as failure...He may just want us to live one day at a time...one thought at a time one moment at a time and dwell on the future...

Has God moved?? He seems so far up there...losing three relatives within two years is not easy and makes me dwell on death and after death...I get scared and I get lonely and I miss the parents, and my aunt...but I will take it one day at a time one thought at a time one moment at a time and keep on trying to look up..