Thursday, May 19, 2011

New church

We love our is small
But at times I find it difficult to fit into a
Church where people have known each other for years but have only known us for a little while...
I see my poor cousin & all she is going through with her husband but there are church people there & relatives there, her daughter, step-daughter, step-son etc
When I cared for my parents I was by Mom passed with me church..only Me & wait God...
Yep I do get jealous as no one there knows where we have been, but they know each life goes on...the times I remember God was not there He really was...
How I long for a Large family & alot of church friends...but you can't have everything now can you???
How I remember pastors in the past that loved us & had a relationship with us...but I need to realize it won't be that way again!!!
Life goes on & now I need to learn how to deal with a Jealous heart!!!
I think it all stems from our inabilities to have children & a big family!!!
If we had children life would be different, there would be Kids they grew up with, churches they grew up in, schools, graduations, weddings etc
Instead the last 10 years have been Nursing Homes, independent living centers, Assisted living centers, hospice, hospitals & fitting in work also!!!
Only God knows WHY!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

33 years of Marriage

After 33 years of marriage I look back. When we were newly weds we had high
Hopes & dreams. A big house by the lake with lots of children.
Dreams never cease but they just change.
We have camped together in tents, on motorcycles, in pouring rain, tornados & storms.
But we also faced the storms of life.
While many men are there for the birth of the child, my husband was there for each surgery to have a child...he held my hand when I cried & he understood because he faced the same emotions...
We prayed together & cried together & are still childless...while many became parents & now grandparents we will never have that role or that graduation or wedding that parents share!!!
Then there was the caregiving years, not something we asked for but a very stressful yet enjoyable time. From the year dad moved in with us to the placement in a nursing home to moving Mom from her house of over 50 years..
I would like to say we were strong & endured each trial bravely, when in reality we needed others to hold us up. We learned to laugh through it all & look for the good..
Together we faced the parents death & now I find myself asking the same questions they did "who will take care of me"?
The answer lies in what I told Mom & Dad "God will take care of you"
Life may not always be what you started dreaming it would be, but it will always be where God leads it to be!!