I am sad

I am sad today
Why is it when women get together they seem to talk about how they had their kids
Labor and delivery...
Conversations I will NEVER be able to participate in...
Sometimes I just HATE my life and I wish I could just be a hermit because women don't
care how I feel...

They keep on and on with the conversation not realizing there are people in the room that do not have children...then I go to church thinking it will be better and it is NOT...we are the only couple in the church that wanted children but never have them...the preacher preaches about
his family and in SS they say "Mothers and Grandmothers are special"

We are not special we are no bodies...we are just here trying to find our own activities to fill our lives...we don't have the ball games to attent like parents do, we don't have school programs like parents do...we don't have the baby showers, the graduations etc

I feel so ALONE!!!

Good Grief part 2

Last night was OK
Found out alot of my feelings are quite normal...
Found out people are normal too

They tell me it is OK to see sad at times, OK to have feelings...
We mask our feelings
When people say "how are you" we say fine when we are not...

Because that is what they want to hear...
We ignore our feelings...we tend to say "that is not for me"
or it is for someone else...

I remember after Mom died I kept telling everyone that because she was
elderly it was much easier...however that is not true...I had her longer
I was close to her and the longer you have her the closer you are to them
the harder it is...

Yes I masked my feelings because that is what I wanted to think...
Yes Mom and Dad and Goldie were elderly however they were my life...
Now it is like we have an empty nest...
We are starting out all over again...by ourselves...
One day one hour one minute at a time..

Cell Phone Silence

We got our cell phones so we could reach each other easily and so that when something happened to Mom and Dad we could be contacted easier...
We have loved our cell phones and at times gone over our minutes....
The aide would call "Your Mom is impossible!!! She won't take a shower" or "Your Dad fell" "is he OK" "Yes he is fine just bruised" over and over it rang with both good news and bad...

I would call my Mom and she would call me...talked to Mom just about every day...(even on vacation) talked to my Aunt also...we came from a family of talkers at least Mom, aunt Goldie and I....we all loved it...

I would tell Mom about the doggies...It would cheer her up...

But now my cell phone is silent...dead as a door...I play the games on it and check my e-mail
Oh I may get an occasional phone call but it is definately not ringing off the hook...
I am sad
The next generation does not call...they text or facebook and so people like me sit in silence...
I am beginning to HATE this new generational communication...

My sister would not call my Mom...she does not call me...she instead sends 4 page letters telling how much money she does not have...duh!!!
That is not communication at all...

I would just love to throw my phone in the trash...what good is it?? I can't wait until all these Holidays are over with and maybe I will get happier...

camping

We like to go camping alot...
Had quite a bit of stress free camping trips when we had two elderly parents to tend to...
Now all of a sudden they are gone...
Funny how things work...parents stress you out while they are here (dad calling you wanting you to help), Mom worried constantly about you...
Then they are gone and you really miss them...you miss the phone calls and the conversations...
I would call Mom from our camping trailer...
I would tell her when I got there and when I left...
I would tell her about the little turtles and squirrels...

I would tell her how much I loved her
Now I feel sad because she is no longer here to share with...
I have no one to share with and
my cell phone grows cob webs on it as I sit by the camp fire!!

Good Grief part 1

I signed up for a grief class...

It was really good...it teaches you what grief is and that you are not alone in all this and even
after so much time it is normal to still experience it...

There was a young girl sitting next to me who cried...I wanted to reach out and hug her but I
didn't...I found out her Mom had just died several month ago...

I feel so bad because I miss my Dad, my Mom and my aunt and all my relatives and because it seems like I have no one at all...
So what do I do for the Holidays...this will be covered in class...good another lesson

After class I will call her Peggy (not her real name) met the teacher after class...she was in tears well yes her grief is fresh...I hugged her and it felt good to have someone who had something in common...She missed her Mom...I missed mine too...

She cried and I cried with her.....If is Normal to still miss Mom after (almost a year)???
Is it Normal to get depressed over Holidays??? Is it normal to cherish Moms things...to think of her, to feel sad because my husband (to whom I must live with the rest of our lives) deleted Mom off the phone...
I found out Yes...yes...and yes...

I am normal and so glad I am...I think this class will certainly be good for me!!!

What is Grief

Ever wonder what Grief is???

Heck if it is crying all the time after losing someone I think I do qualify!!

Seems like when you lose someone you get all kinds of cards...
people box you in "Call me if you need me" or "I will be praying for you"
Oh all this is good and appreciated but then what about the week after or the month afterwards??

Does grief last a few days then goes away??
I remember after Mom passed I was OK until the day of the funeral then I went limp...
I had to have the neighbor help me dress...
and the following Sunday oh I was OK at church then I broke down in the middle of Kohls...
Me the person that definately does not like to call people called a friend of mine who talked me through it...
"yes you are normal" "go to your car and have a good cry and yes, dear this will not be the last time"

So after losing three in two years I am going to attend a Grief support group...
By the time my life is finished I will be a member of so many support groups it will be a record...
A weight support group, an Alzheimers support group, care-givers support group, Grief Support group and a Stitchers support group....

Maybe I will get answers and maybe not but at least I am trying!! As long as we try that is what counts!!

Depression

So is is normal to be so depressed???
Especially with Holidays coming??

Nothing seems to effect my hubby...he just takes it all in a grain of salt...
Not ME I cry and look at old pictures and cry

I think this depression is because at the end of this week is the anniversary of my Dad passing...
wish I could spend one more day with him...
He was always the dad that could fix anything,,,then he started relying on my to fix everything for him...
He was the dad that would spend time with me...played ball with me when I was younger...then when I got older Mom and I were shopping budedies but Dad he was my breakfast partner...the man loved going out for breakfast...
We also had many camping trips together...
At the end I would go to the nursinghome and sit with him and share a pop with him...

Heck no wonder I cry because he was gone he was a GOOD dad and not too many have good dads these days...I was very fortunate!!