camping

We like to go camping alot...
Had quite a bit of stress free camping trips when we had two elderly parents to tend to...
Now all of a sudden they are gone...
Funny how things work...parents stress you out while they are here (dad calling you wanting you to help), Mom worried constantly about you...
Then they are gone and you really miss them...you miss the phone calls and the conversations...
I would call Mom from our camping trailer...
I would tell her when I got there and when I left...
I would tell her about the little turtles and squirrels...

I would tell her how much I loved her
Now I feel sad because she is no longer here to share with...
I have no one to share with and
my cell phone grows cob webs on it as I sit by the camp fire!!

Lost

Tonight I got lost going home from stitch night

I had a moment or so where I did not know where I was....
I was going on the side of some expressway but where was I...

After while I ended up about a mile from where I should be...
How did I get there??? I did not know then all of a sudden I figured it out...
but when you have been a care giver for so long I think You actually have a fear...

Am I going to get Alzheimers??? Am I going to get Parkinsons and end up in a nursing home??
How will I turn to?? Who will help me?? What if my husband dies and I am by myself??

All these are common feelings and do not go away overnight!! It may take a lifetime....

In the meantime...I am glad I finally got back to reality..

Death and Dying

What a morbid subject......
yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...
First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to do
more than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...
I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...
I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...
then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??
I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...
So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...
as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NO
I have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...
Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...
My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...

Mental Health

OK I feel like I am ready for a Mental breakdown...
How much can ONE person take by themselves??
First I had to care for my Dad who had Parkinsons and Dementia (would do it again in a heartbeat!!) then he passed in Oct 2008
then immediately cared for my Mom who had Alzheimers and Arthritis (again would do it again in a heartbeat!!) She passed in Dec 2009
Well now I have my Aunt...it seems her grandchildren think because I am her POA I am solely
responsible and that I need to do it all....
I am at my wits end...I did not ask for this and do not deserve this....
Does God not care what I am going through???
It makes me question everything!!!
I cannot handle everything and God knows this...when they quote the scripture that God does not give us more than we can handle I wonder is it true???
Her granddaughter uses the excuse that she does not drive!!! Hello Taxi cabs!!! Buses!!! Children and neighbors that have cars!! If you want to help you will...When will I have a fullfillment in life??
When will life change for me???
Why does all this have to happen???
How do you go on when you feel like you are at your breaking point?? I am in tears constantly...and have no peace in my life!!! I stopped by the cemetary yesterday and talked to Mom and Dad...Don't know if you are suppose to talk to the dead however I did!! and I told Mom to help me somehow even if she has to talk to God...

The talk

I had to have "the talk" with my aunt...
She can no longer live by herself and will be in the nursing home for good...
Somethings in life are just not fair...
It was not fair that my Dad was in a nursing home, taken away from his wife of 58 yrs to spend the last 3 yrs of their marriage alone and apart from each other...I saw her cry so much
every time they had to part from each other..
It was not fair that after he passed Mom got worse and I had to move her from her home of over 50 yrs to an assisted living facility...It was not fair she cried herself to sleep...I tried to sooth her but she did not understand...
They never do understand that you are doing this for their safety and well being..
It is not fair I am having to be in charge of my aunt because no one else will...
It is not fair I am having to have "the talk" with her and that I am the one to see the tears...

Yes some things in life are just not fair...so I ask myself How do you deal with the unfairness of life?
1 You trust God that the unfairness is part of HIS plan
2- You look at the good side of life...the people he has brought together the times I spent with Dad at the nursing home sharing pop with him while he thought he was a school bus driver
3- You laugh at the little things, and cry when you feel the need to (It helps you feel better)
4 You find it is OK to get mad, or angry and sad because that is a part of life
5 and most important you enjoy life while you have it...go on trips, have BBQ's, pray and life one day at a time because God has not promised you a tomorrow but he has promised you LIFE for today!!!

Why does no one care??

Why does no one care??
Why does my family not care how this effects me mentally??
Why do they think I am the one to do everything??
I can't I cried all night long...I feel like I am falling apart...

My aunt called me yesterday wanting this and wanting that...Hello why does she not
call her grandchildren??

A wise woman yesterday quoted the Serenty Prayer to me yesterday so she told me to disect it and list what I have to do and what I do not have to do...
As her POA I am required to sign documents, handle her bank accounts and get her on DHS (this is what I need GODS help in as it so reminds me of the hell I went through with my parents and I hate no one cares what I went through)
However this is what I will NOT do...I will tell my aunt if she needs anything to call her grandchildren, I will tell the nursing home they will have to handle all MEDICAL stuff, I will let her family bury her, I will NOT visit her every week I will let her grandchildren visit her and If they don't I will NOT feel guilty...

God help me I feel so sad and so upset and I feel like I am having a breakdown and no one cares..

Having a Mental Day

Ever live your life all over again???
Well this is it again...and I feel another breakdown..
First I took care of my Dad...took over his finances downsized him, moved him into the nursing home and salvaged half their assets for Mom who never worked...

Then I took care of my Mom over night the caregiving changed from Dad to Mom...especially after dads death...I had to again downsize her continue overseeing her finances moving her into Independent living then assisted living and managing her care...

Well now Mom has been gone 6 months and my nightmare continues...now it is my aunt...I signed up a long time ago to be her POA so I am in charge of downsizing her, moving her into the nursing home and managing her care...

I really feel a mental breakdown coming down and I am sad, depressed and feel such a burden on my sholders...unless someone has had to care for an elderly relative they cannot understand...
I just want to cry...and say Why me??

Caregiving

Funny how your life can change overnight
One minute you are wondering what you are here for and the next you have purpose..

My elderly aunt who is 86 and very Independent and never wanted me to help her called me
she wanted me to place her in a nursing home because she did not feel well I told her I would get help to take her to the Hospital and then if they thought she needed a nursing home we could go from there..
So I checked her in and she has COPD, Emphasema (never smoked all from second hand smoke) and now Pnemonia
Overnight I became another caregiver...It is sad to see them like that but helped me also to find someone else to care for...as I was going through the (after caregiving syndrom)
The therapist came in and tried getting her to stand and she could not stand...she sat on the bed and looked at me and said "have you ever seen anything like this??" I replied "yes twice before."

She is doing better but I am taking it all one day at a time and in the meantime being there for her...Life is just full of turns...You never know who will need you next..

Life After the Parents

When the parents were here everything involved around them...I made sure for every Holiday we were here...There were activities...picnics and parties. The nursing home had activities and the Indepedent Living Center had activities and the Assisted Living Center had activities...

Once Mom took a little quiz on one of the Holidays they got a little prize for it and she had me hang it on my refrigerator....
Not only were there activities but I felt like a "Mother" as I had become a parent to the parent...
When My Dad had back surgery I dressed him, helped him put his shoes on, I spent the night in the Hospital with him...
Then after Dad I immediately began to help Mom...I helped her dress last year on Mothers Day week-end I was in charge of their meds, of all the decisions...It became a big responsibility and a Major undertaking..

Now that they are gone there is a big void...I am No one, I go to church where everyone is Mother or a GrandMother and I ask WHO am I?? There are no longer any parties or events, no activity no one to care for...

I get sad and I used to think "Why is God allowing my parents to live so long??" Well now I know It was hard and stressful work but it kept me going...so I ask
What now???

The Hospital Visit

I have just learned lately through a family friend of mine that her Dad (who has Alzheimers) went to visit my Dad when he was in the hospital just before he went into the nursing home..

They began to hold hands
"you know we are not getting any younger..we are up there in age"
"yes I know"
"Do you know what they are going to do to me??" My Dad said
The other gentleman became worried...Was he going to have to have a surgery he may never
survive? Was he terminal? What exactly was going on with his friend??

My Dad began to cry..as tears welled up from inside "they are going to place me in a nursing home..you know that is no place to live.."
"Well" his friend replied quite relieved that he was not going to die right away.."There are worse
things than that. At least you will still have your life."
"Yes..I suppose you are right"

When I heard all this my heart began to ache once more for my Dad, for the nursing home was the last place I wanted him to be..I have found some things in life you just don't understand...
I never understood why God never blessed us with Children, or why my Dad had to reside in the nursing home and die alone, Nor why I became a care-giver and had so much stress in my life and my marriage..That is why it is called TRUST because some things you will never know WHY!!

The Notes

My Mom had Dementia and Alzheimers...I think she actually had this disease long before it was diagnosed just could not do anything as long as she could still be in charge of her own meds...
Anyways After her passing I have been finding all kinds of Notes...Notes she wrote as reminders, notes on calendars...snowed today, rainy today, no one loves me, I am alone, Nita came over praise God for her etc She had problems with loneliness and depression (maybe some of that is hereditory as I am constantly fighting it) but I think God lets me find some notes just when I need to find them...
After she passed I found a beautiful note Thanking me for caring for her and promising me that God would send someone to help me when I got her age (yes I told her I was worried about that since we never had children)..
Just recently I had a bout of depression because of alot of life changing events...I went on a much needed girls week-end trip and they assured me it was normal and the first year was the hardest...we laughed and talked together...after we got home I found a note my Mom had written down a poem...I guess it helped her and now it was helping me...at the end of each stanze it said Keep Smiling...whether the toast burns..keep smiling...no matter what happens..keep smiling...
Then yesterday I found a note my Mom had wrote...It said "my twins were born in 1951 I was 48 years old" I laughed so hard when I found that...Mom was 32 when she had me and my sister and her deceased twin is 3 yrs older then me...so Mom would have been 29...I remember she often would try arguing with me telling me she was in her 50's when she had me...but again you cannot argue with an alzheimers person so I would just laugh and let it go...
I am saving all my notes that mean something to me so I can look back and be encouraged...I can look back and keep smiling and I can look back and have a big laugh...Thanks Mom for leaving a part of you with me and Thank God for letting me find them right when I need them..

Moms BD and Easter 2009

My Moms BD is April 12 (or should I say was...as I am only writting memories) anyways last year her BD fell on Easter...
Well I took her to church as usual and after church we had invited the neighbor across the street to come over for a ham dinner..they have a little 3 yr old daughter...
I think at one point Mom and the little girl got into an argument as we heard the little girl say "NO..My mom taught me not to talk like that.." anyways we all sat down to eat and were sharing a really good meal together and out of the blue Mom said "You know I don't remember when the last time Easter fell on a Sunday!!" we were all trying not to break down in laughter over the comment by her...
Life is good and these are good memories.

The Dental Appt

Mom and I went to the dentist together for years and years..
She had gone to this dental office back when we were children and her original dentist retired
and the other one took over and I started going there and as Mom became elderly we just always went together.
Often we would stop and get lunh on the way home. It was a Mother/daughter thing
Well once a year or so back we had gone to the dentist.
He found a cavity and usually when that happened he would just work on it right there to save having to bring her back in.
Well afterwards we went out to eat and she was like a two year old.
Why does my mouth feel funny? Will it stay this way? How long does this last? are you sure this is normal? I have a sore also is that Normal? Maybe if I put campho Phenique on it will that help?
I will never forget that appt it was so funny because she did not remember ever having her mouth numb like that before..and I will never forget the 20 questions she asked afterwards.

Mom getting on Alzheimers meds

Jan 17,2009
I took Mom to the Doctor yesterday and he started her on Aerosept...So I can only take it one day at a time...I think "OH NO!!! Not again!!" As I had my Dad with Parkinsons But then God knows just when it was time to call Dad home as Mom is needing my help now..The doctor also said the Medication will help some of her Anger issues..The Good news is that she is still doing OK in the facility where she is at..So just continuing to pray that she will NOT have to end up in a Nursing Home like Dad. (yes God did answer that Prayer)

I have been with Mom just about every evening because she gets confused on her evening Meds...right now since she is on an Antibiotic she needs to take them twice a day... I have them in 7-Day Pill planners and she still gets confused...I am trying very hard to keep her as Independent as possible (without the aide of a Nursing Home) Seems like it is so frustrating and I get soooo mad but I look at how inocent she is and I cannot be mad at her... I have a Drs appt for her Feb 05, and Feb 13 and again in March Geez and I wonder when I get to use SICK Leave for myself.... My only thing is I know one of these days after Mom is gone and it will just be Me and Hubby there will be NO one to help us...(heck how do you expect nieces and nephnews to help when I never even see or hear them now) Then I will Miss being able to take care of someone..
As a caregiver you get tired but enjoy the work you do also

Typical day in my past life Nov 10, 2008

Nov 10, 2008
Saturday did Launry and weighed in at WW,(been on Maintenance for 5 yrs now),picked up Mom and took her to the bank to get dads name off her account and add mine as a Joint so it will make life easier for me to do her transactions, Then took her to the grocery store then we discovered a soup and Salad place and ate Lunch..I got through around 0300 to I stopped by Sonic for drinks and got home barely in time to attend an Adoption party for the neighbors behind us...Her hubby adopted her 11 yr old special needs girl..they had tons of food and lots of people..Then on Sunday the aide picked up Mom but I am trying to save spending so much money as she is living on assets and a partial of dads retirement so I told the aide if they were running late to stop Mom by the house so she did and Mom ate with us then I took her back and sonic was again just right close byThen I had to walk the dogs as one was sitting by the front door...poor thing..and now I am here at working thinking of my list for tomorrow since I will be off work...Plans are to take Mom Christmas shopping so I will not have to get her out in the crowds...Did have a little bit of craft time last night though...

That was a typical day in my life as a caregiver...I still don't know how I did it all and If I had it to do over again would DEFINATELY do it...