Death and Dying

What a morbid subject......
yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...
First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to do
more than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...
I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...
I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...
then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??
I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...
So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...
as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NO
I have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...
Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...
My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...