Depression

So is is normal to be so depressed???
Especially with Holidays coming??

Nothing seems to effect my hubby...he just takes it all in a grain of salt...
Not ME I cry and look at old pictures and cry

I think this depression is because at the end of this week is the anniversary of my Dad passing...
wish I could spend one more day with him...
He was always the dad that could fix anything,,,then he started relying on my to fix everything for him...
He was the dad that would spend time with me...played ball with me when I was younger...then when I got older Mom and I were shopping budedies but Dad he was my breakfast partner...the man loved going out for breakfast...
We also had many camping trips together...
At the end I would go to the nursinghome and sit with him and share a pop with him...

Heck no wonder I cry because he was gone he was a GOOD dad and not too many have good dads these days...I was very fortunate!!

Death and Dying

What a morbid subject......
yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...
First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to do
more than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...
I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...
I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...
then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??
I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...
So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...
as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NO
I have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...
Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...
My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...

Oklahoma State Fair

As I get ready to atten the Oklahoma State Fair I look back and the times my dad would take off Annual leave from Tinker Air Force base and work at the fair for extra money...
We would leave before daylight packing a lunch...and I would get in free with him...I would sit in the Hobbies building and Dad would drink coffee and give me hot chocolate...

He would go to work as a guard or parking cars and I would get to roam free (I was 14 but back then you didn't have to worry much about it) and without cell phones I had to check in with dad occasionally to let him know I was still there...

We would then meet for lunch and eat together...Dad telling me all his WWII stories and about his childhood and then again I got to go on my own after lunch...I found out the first year NOT to spend $14 by pulling strings for a stuffed annimal that they probably paid $5 for..

Then dad would get off work around 4 or 5 and we would ride the Monorail or Space Tower for free...then we would get back in the car and head back for home...Life was good...
dad was good and OHHHHHH how I miss him now...
I will go to the Fair today and I will think of Dad as I see the little man parking cars and I will eat me a corn dog for Dad after all some traditions never die out!!!

Does God really Know Best??

Ever wonder if God really knows best?? Yes that is easy in small areas of your life but how about the BIG ones...I never was good at being left out of anything...and now what?? I am left out of life and woman hood by not having my hearts desire...a child we both longed for and tried for...

I wonder if I will ever be satisified...as I see couples have babies, then they grow into toddlers and grade school and they get to attend school programs, funcations and events and Jr High which leads to ball games and plays and more programs and High School and they attend graduations and dances and they see them date and go off to college and then they get married and the family expands into in laws and grand children and here we sit...and sit...and sit just watching the movements all around us...never participating never becoming a part of it just listening to them tell us..."Of it shouldn't bother you it is not all fun" Ya think!! Nothing in life is all fun....but at least you can partiicpate and not just be a spectator!!

I think it is during these times I really Miss my Mom and Dad they were my life...they kept me going I often would think WHY did they live so long...well now I know it was NOT for them but for ME!!! So I would have something or someone to keep me going...and yes they did...

As my husband and I have recently said we would like to meet just one couple that is like us that had yearned for children and tried ever avenue but it never happened...we would like to meet just ONE other couple so we can relate and not just look on...

Dads

My dad passed away Oct 08, 2008 and I never really grieved for my dad until after Mom passed...I guess I was busy helping Mom through her grief over him that I just did not concentrate on myself...
Anyways I have now started to really missing him and with Fathers Day and his BD month both coming up I started missing him...
We were talking at work and several girls say they did not have Dads that were there for them and that is carries over into adulthood when the Dad is not there for you...I on the other hand am quite blessed....
My Dad was always there for me....He was quiet and shy and definately not the leader of the family nor the discipilarian...(Mom did all that) but Dad was a Dad...he spent time with us...he was the one I went camping with, he was the one that played softball with me, that took me to the park that tried to sooth everything over by taking us out for ice cream...
Mom was the one I went to Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart or grocery shopping with,
Dad was the one I went to the swap meet, auto supply store or take out for breakfast with...

I was fortunate to get to know both parents as after my sister got married I had about 3-4 yrs of just me and Mom and Dad...we went on vacation trips together, we went to church together, we had time to talk together, at times I would have dinner ready for them...I got to know them and maybe that is why I cared for them in their elderly years...

I still won't part with the Magnet Dad bought for me at the auto supply store...I think it cost him 99 cents but he bought it for my craft projects so I could pick up needles with it...
After my Dad passed I made a list that went something like this...
Things I have never seen my Dad do:
1- Get drunk
2- Smoke
3- Cuss
4- Go out with other women
5- Go to a bar

Things I have seen my Dad do
1- Attend church
2- Pray
3- Read his Bible
4- Take up the offering
5- Cry when he heard a testimony
6- Spend time with his daughters
7- Hold hands with his wife

Yes I was truely blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas with Dad

I always enjoyed Christmas with Dad and remember

he got me simple Items...

He was the BEST!!

Dad and R J

This one was taken some time ago...Lets see Dad has been in Heaven for a year and a half now and R J is into Soccer so you can tell it is an oldie but goodie that I have found recently...

The Hospital Visit

I have just learned lately through a family friend of mine that her Dad (who has Alzheimers) went to visit my Dad when he was in the hospital just before he went into the nursing home..

They began to hold hands
"you know we are not getting any younger..we are up there in age"
"yes I know"
"Do you know what they are going to do to me??" My Dad said
The other gentleman became worried...Was he going to have to have a surgery he may never
survive? Was he terminal? What exactly was going on with his friend??

My Dad began to cry..as tears welled up from inside "they are going to place me in a nursing home..you know that is no place to live.."
"Well" his friend replied quite relieved that he was not going to die right away.."There are worse
things than that. At least you will still have your life."
"Yes..I suppose you are right"

When I heard all this my heart began to ache once more for my Dad, for the nursing home was the last place I wanted him to be..I have found some things in life you just don't understand...
I never understood why God never blessed us with Children, or why my Dad had to reside in the nursing home and die alone, Nor why I became a care-giver and had so much stress in my life and my marriage..That is why it is called TRUST because some things you will never know WHY!!

My Dads Funeral Oct 08, 2008

God gave me the peace to deal with everything..
I am so glad I had prearranged the funeral made everything so much easier but there were still decisions to make at the funeral home and the cemetary...
My sister didn't help with any of it so I just took Mom along and she told them that I handled everything so I did..
It turned out beautiful and we had beautiful weather..
I know he is better off and he was just tired..
I told Mom he is now RUNNING and JUMPING (something he has not had the privilage of doing for years)
I never understood what people meant when they said I would never regret what I have done for them until after he passed and it is true I had no regrets...I have already faced the sadness and guilt when I had to place him in the nursing home...
It was sad to see him go but good that it was quick and peaceful..
I am glad I did not have to decide on the feeding tube or that he did not develop Phenomia (something many Parkinsons patients do)
Poor Mom is just lost so I took her back to her Apartment yesterday and EVERYONE just hugged her and were there for her..I think being there now is the best thing..
Before I took her back I took her to buy new pants and get a hair cut (something I didn't even think of before the funeral)
I have noticed Mom also declining little by little so you are right now I must concentrate on her
Mom is at the stage now that dad was a few years ago...always saying or doing something out of character and funny..
She told me "If I knew I was going to a funeral I would have worn different shoes" and when we were waiting for the Limo to pick us up she said she was waiting for the Undertaker to come and get her..
I also called Dads retirement and Social Security yesterday and it was WAY too easy (after dealing with DHS and Medicaid this past year) I was glad...Mom will now get 55% of his retirement and His Social Security instead of hers as she was drawing off of his..
I am trying to get the "Thank You" cards done but seem to be at a loss so thought I would just give it a day or so...
I have to get my living room back in order as I am definately NOT a hostess and had to become one overnight..
I had to move my NEST...(something my Mom has taught me that every woman has her nest next to her chair)
Yes I was close to both Mom and Dad as they are both responsible for ME!!

My Dad

OK I have told about my Mom but what about my Dad???
Dad was a very quiet person...He was the one who didn't want to be in charge but

just wanted to take up the slack...We was the Secretary for his SS department for years

and even though he had Parkinsons and was all bent over he still was there to do his job.

He was a Deacon, the one who took up the Offering, the one to attended evening worship, who

led nursing home services...

He was a hard worker and compassionate...Never wanting strife or division...If we were upset at something as a child he was the one who would take us out for Ice cream just to make us feel better...

Dad could fix anything...He worked on cars, clocks, jewelry, plumbing, and alot more

Once we had plumbing problems on Easter and Mom and Dad gave up Easter services to come over and Dad and Mike worked on the plumbing while Mom and I went out got a Ham and fixed a ham dinner for everyone...

Dad loved Breakfast and when he got older Our thing was to go out for breakfast...I would tell him I was coming over at 0600am and the man would be ready at 0400am waiting on me..

He LOVED breakfast and he LOVED going out with his daughter...

Once on my BD he asked me what I wanted for my BD so we stopped at an auto supply store and he got me a long magnet (they are great for picking up lost needles) they cost about $3 in a craft store but he spent less than a dollar (another one of his qualities was to save money)

You would often find him at the flea market getting bargains...Once we found an old medicine cabinet...Plans were to put it in the wall of my bedroom....Mom through a fit so we both found out our dollar bargain was not too much of a bargain!!

In my younger days Dad would take me to the park, we would play softball and eat tamales from the tamale man...

After dad got in the nursing home I hurt for him, to have the dad I used to have...I would often go up there and buy him a pop and we would sit together drinking pop...dad had dementia so he thought he was still a volunteer for the Red Cross or a School Bus driving...He would tell me

"It's about time to go get the kids" I would just say "OK" He would say "You can come along if you want" again I would say OK and we would sit there a few minutes...He would then ask what time was it...I would tell him it was about 0400pm and he would say "Well maybe it is a little early!!"

Even in the nursing home at times Hospice would come in to minister to him...when they got through they would bow in prayers and they didn't have to pray a single prayer because Dad would take off and start praying...

I loved my Dad and loved spending time with him after all not every daughter can say they have had a Dad who would spend time with them...

After his death I came up with a list of things I never saw my dad do...

1-I never saw my Dad drunk

2-I never saw my Dad smoke

3-I never saw my Dad swear

And what I have seen my Dad do

1-I have seen my Dad pray

2-I have seen my Dad go to church

3-I have seen my Dad read the Bible

4-I have seen my Dad cry over Gods word

Not everyone can make a list as GREAT as this one

More of Dad

More of Dad in the nursing home

At right he always wore his Highway Patrol Hat He was proud of where I work. Above is Mom and Dad together. I always would make sure Mom would go see dad at least once a week and that he never lacked visitors.

He passed away Oct 08, 2008 peacefully and is now able to walk the Streets of Gold something he has not been able to do in quite some time.

My Dad

This is my dad in the nursing home