Loses and Gains

Loses and Gains
Two years ago today I lost my dear Mom...She was 87 Years old...she was my life. I was here care giver but I was also her daughter and I was her shopping buddy...we did everything together. I took her to church, we went shopping together, we laughed together we cried together we crocheted together and we spent a lot of time together. I saw her on her good days and I saw her on her bad days. She had lost her husband 14 months earlier and it was so sad to see her go through that. We went through placing her husband in a nursing home, visiting him, having him in and out of the hospital and his death. We also shared good times together, every year we would shop on Veterans Day, on New Years, on Mothers Day week-end...Oh yes and Mothers Day...I hated that day because I could not be a Mother and be among the cherished however I learned to honor my Mom and be with her and enjoy that day through her...
Little did I know how My life would change through her loss...I gained so much..
1- I gained knowing there are good Christian people who will help you during hard times...Like the couple that helped us clean out Moms apartment,
2- Like my Friend who talked to me when I had my Breakdown at Kohls...
3- I gained a Prayer life...Mom was no longer there to pray for me when I am driving home on ice covered roads...yep I have to do that myself now...
4- I have gained new family...You see since we do not have children My Parents were our life...I now have cousins on both sides that are family...we have enjoyment again at Holidays...We have the priviliage of seeing kids delight at Christmas again...
5- I have a real sister whom never talks to be and I never see so I now have an adopted sister whom I am able to share everything with...we laugh together, we shop together, we cry together...she may not be blood but she is what a sister should be.
6- I also took both Mom and Dad to church, Our church life involved around them...You see Dad was a Deacon so I gave up our church life together for them...after all they took us to church when we were little...I have since gained a terrific church family...One of the best...I could not ask for a better church...
On the Anniversary of Moms death I do not want to look at her loss but rather on my gains and my life oh yes she will be missed however I chose to remember her Christian life and what she taught me and that she would want me to concentrate on my gains after all my Mom told me that God would send me someone to help take care of me...God did more than that...He has sent to me a lot of people to help take care of me...I am so Blessed!!
　
　
　
　
　

Chill Day

Was sick today with a sore throat and headache to I stayed home...
Did not do too much got alot done...You know those little things you never have time to do when you are working

Organized my Make up and Jewelry (How I do need to down size more but have to still be attached to alot of Moms Jewelry and Dads watches)
Even found a pair of Dads eyeglasses that I still hold onto...
If I ever move and have to downsize it will be a nightmare!!

I also got alot of Stitching done...
I held the dogs (sometimes just a little bonding helps in every blended family and yes we are a family)
I also reminsced on Mom and when I had to lie to her when I was sick or she would worry about her 50ish daughter!!!
I fell better but still not up to par yet...however I feel a workday coming on tomorrow : > (

Discrimination

Today we went to Sunday School...we have not gone to Sunday School for quite a while as we have personal problems fitting into the group....Yes I say Personal problems for we understand it is not anyone except us......we are the outsiders we are different...since we don't have kids...

so we go today and what is the lesson on "Discrimination" OK so are we discriminated against or do we discriminate??? Maybe we put out lives in a mold and make ourselves different...Maybe we just wanted to have children so much we never got past it...
Am I being Discriminated against or do I discriminate against Mothers??
Last Night I sat by a friend...she has four children and a new grandbaby to which she never has seen you see her son lives in Colorado and she is caring for a Special needs child so her son cannot afford to come here nor can she afford to go there...so she was showing me pics of the grandbaby she has not seen,,,Look, listen the way I want others to look and listen to me...
So when I went to bed I said a special prayer for her...

You see I don't blame people...heck if we had a while household full of teenagers and grandchildren I sure would NOT have time to get with others...so Maybe it is ourselves...or because I see my womanhood in jepordy...
One thing I have learned from dealing with the parents is there is NO perfect situation...My Dad was not happy...he fell alot and had to do what we told him to do and he was not happy (but he did teach me ice cream healed every hurt), Mom was not happy...yes she was a mother so motherhood must not be the answer...Mom lost a child at birth and Mom had TB two things she never got over...Mom always thought no one loved her...and Mom was upset alot (I think alot of it at the end had to do with her Alz) and my aunt was not happy...I have found poems she wrote about her unhappiness when her son took her grandchildren away from her...
and her I think alot of times Motherhood is the answer to my unhappiness...If I only had children I would fit in and I would be happy and I would not feel discriminated against...
I sit here in tears...because I don't want to be discriminated against nor do I want to discriminate...
So where do you find happiness??? Will I live the rest of my entire life unhappy because I am not a mother?? If I let it ruin my life it will...If I don't get a grip on it then it will be there forever...so starting today I will read one scripture verse a day...so strive for happiness that I don't feel right now...Yes I know I am not perfect and yes I don't read the Bible like I should...heck I even downloaded a Bible app thinking it would help me to get into the Bible more...so I have Gods word at my desk, in my home and even on my phone and I cannot read just one verse a day...no wonder I am so unhappy!!!
I just recently heard on the radio a story of a man that was complaining about all his problems and his friend said he would take him someplace where there was not problems...so he took him to the cemetary...You see no one there has problems because they are all dead...everyone has problems and happiness is a choice...so choose happiness...
Remember starting today one verse a day I choose Happiness!!!

The best day of my life

I have wondered recently which day was the best day of my life...
Perhaps it was when I got my Drivers Licence or when I graduated from High School, Or when I got married on my Wedding Day...

Maybe it was when I got that big promotion or a raise or found a job...

Needless to say there have been many Good days...but has one really been better than the other??
I just cannot think of any certain day that has been tremendously better so much as I call it the best day of my life...I hate to admit it but even on my wedding day I had a tendency to be nervous and get upset to the point of tears and my sister has to sooth me...

Of course if it were my husband writting this his best day would be the day I said "yes" to him getting that Goldwing...He was like a little boy again...He could not sleep all night and as soon as we walked into the Motorcycle shop you could see his head upraised checking to see if the bike were still there...
Life is full of many good times and recently I have heard the expression..."Every day is a GOOD day...some are just better than others!!!" so with all that said I would have to say Every day is my BEST day...after all TODAY is the FIRST day of the REST of MY life!!

Church

Attended church today...
always leave feeling blessed...
A nice lady told me and my husband how we inspired everyone in the choir because we hold hands and act like newlyweds...
That was something special and made me want to compliment someone else so after church I told a girl I don't know that I really liked her hair...It was natural curly like mine...

I have found that if someone compliments you and it makes you feel good then pass along the goodness...and lets just keep it going...

In fact if I encounter someone that does not compliment me but yet someone that criticizes me...what makes me feel better is to find something about them that I like and compliment them...am thinking of someone that I need to find something good about them and let them know...Love you enemies and be good to everyone!!! Lets compliment all we meet!!

Growing up as a DK

You may ask what is a DK?? Well there are PK's that is a Preachers Kid and there are DK's and that is a Deacons Kid...
There is an old saying that the DK's are the ones that got the PK's into trouble...
So what is it like growing up as a DK?
Well You go to church on Sunday Morning, Sunday Evening, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Friday night and every time the doors are open
Once when I was about 2 (yes I barely remember it) but my sister was sick and Mom had staying home with her and Dad took me to church and forgot that he had me
I remember standing outside the church on the sidewalk with the nursery worker...Dad finally came back for me...I am sure that was not the LAST time he wanted to forget me!!! LOL
When I was born they had a contest to see how fast they could get me enrolled in Sunday School and I was at church the following Sunday (I was probably barely over a week old and no I don't remember it) but they sang "Happy Birthday to me"

Now I had the meanest parents around...I could not talk in church and once was discussing with a friend of mine about Daylight Savings time...well the preacher stopped, my Dad got up and sat between us...Yep they sure were mean..

They were sooooo mean I could not go to church camp two weeks in a row (Hello I had boyfriends in other churches) they wanted me to work around the house...so I did the normal thing a 16 yr old will do...I ran away...Yes I got a ride to Luther, OK then sat on a Bus bench...the police saw me and asked me if I was a run away and I said "yes sir" he then asked if I had ID and I said "yes sir" so he commenced to calling my parents..
While we waited I got the lecture about how dangerous it was for me to be out there but then he turned around and told me "But you're the cutest customer we have had all day!!"
All of a sudden a car drove up..."is that your dad?" he asked NO but then this long, thin man got out "Oh no that is worse that is the Preacher Bro Albright"

My parents were strick Baptist...You know the saying "I don't smoke, drink, cuss or chew...and I don't go with none who do" So I did the logical thing If the boyfriends were Baptist I would bring them home to meet the parents, however if they were not and did any of the above I would meet them someplace else...

Oh yes and there is Falls Creek...I have been many times, learned how to two time there, camped there, was a counselor there and have had many Religious experiences there...
I must for all teenagers...

I was spent my ENTIRE summer at Camp Nunny Cha Ha yes it was I say was because times change and it is no longer a GA camp...but back then it was the camp for GA girls..I attended there when I was 12 and when I was 18 I worked my entire summer there seeing many little girls lives changed. I made $20 a week so it was not a job to make alot of money but rewarding otherwise. We had one week-end we were required to stay there and one week-end we were required to go home...
The week-end we were required to stay there they had a dinner for us in Davis, OK at the local Steak House and on the Marque it said "Welcome Baptist General Convention" we were all 18 going "Wow we are not the Baptist General Convention!!"

Guess I am fortunate that My parents and I both survived my teen years...Later on I became
proud to be a DK and I guess that is why I helped Dad and Mom so much in their elder years...because for years it was only my Parents and I as my sister went to college and got married so I spent alot of time getting to know them, vacationing with them, cooking for them, worrying about them and loving them...
Yes I am a DK and I survived!!!!

Grief

What is grief?? I came from a small family so had not been to alot of funerals..I remember in my early 20's a friend of mine had her mother in the hospital (I think she had a hysterectomy) so I knowing she was religious person set out to find a gift to give her before my visit...It was around Memorial Day (a day set aside for Picnics) so I found a lovely arrangements in the shape of a cross...Yep I was fortunate enough to show everyone at work my new find...Finally a friend said "Nita you do know that is an arrangement to put on a grave!!!" I am so glad she told me so I ended up giving it to the parents so they could place it on the grave of the baby they had lost when My sister was born and buying something else for the lady in the hospital...

When we tried to have children, I felt a loss every Month but did not realize what this was and became severly depressed...I had let the grief every Month turn into depression. I did not really know what this was until my Husbands Mom had passed and I felt a loss at her passing...then I began to realize that the loss I was experiencing every month was also a form of grief..

I have also found that everyone grieves in their own way and you may not grieve the same way each time...
When My Dad had passed I had grieved for him the summer before (this is common with care-givers) as I had lost the Dad I used to have, the Dad who could fix anything, the Dad who was strong and he was now in a nursing home not even able to get out of bed without help...

I found it was fortunate that I had grieved for him beforehand because when Dad passed I had to help Mom through her grief of losing her spouse...She was 86 and did not understand what she was feeling..
Mom had also grieved for Dad ahead of time, each time he was taken away from her to move into the nursing home, or come to our house etc she had grieved over losing her husband.
But her real grief came at his death...She was depressed, wanting to join him and wanting to die..

Then when Mom died I thought OK I have done this before I can do it again...Oh yes I was just fine up until the Funeral...we had friends and food over here every day...and I was in charge because I knew I had to be...I planned the funeral and everything...then the Day of the Funeral I became sick and nervous...I had to have help getting ready and I cried all during the service..
The following Saturday we moved all her things from her apartment and that evening saw a friend of mine down the street...It was cold and we both cried together in the street in the cold..the next day I went to church... I was good in Sunday School and church and felt a little down so decided to go shopping...
Yep in the middle of Kohls it hit me...I began crying...I ran out and called a friend of mine who assured me that it was Normal grief and would not be the last...She said to go to my car and have a good cry then continue my shopping...
Since then I have had my sadness...Like pulling up the Christmas decorations knowing we had no one left to enjoy them except for us...or like when it was icy and snowy and remembering that the last time it was like this (2 yrs ago) that Mom was still at the house and had an anxiety attack so she came over here and we crocheted together...
Yes sadness but I have also learned not to let your grief turn into depression no matter what you are grieving about because there is always something to be happy about...You can find something you can think happy thoughts, positive thoughts and trust in God and everything ends up all right...Grief is a normal part of life and I am thankful that God always sees us through it!!

The worst day of my life

I think about what day has been the worst day of my life??? As a teenager you may think it is being dumped by the most popular boy...as an adult you problems and troubles seem to get bigger..
I have had many bad days....One that would classify as up there at the top would be when the Dr told me we only had a 10% chance of ever conceiving (with procedures), but again as bad as that was it was not the worst day of my life...
I also had several bad days since then...we lost Dad Oct 2008 and we lost Mom Dec 2009 and as bad as they were again they were not the worst day of my life...
The worst day of my life was when I had to place Dad in a nursing home knowing it was for good...He looked so sad, Mom cried and I was also crying...I cried for about a week...
The day after I placed him in a nursing home I went back up there (to be sure he was OK)
He looked so sad..I also was sad..
I had taken the dogs with me and they were having a church service...I suppose the nursing home is the only place where you can attend church and take your dogs with you also..

As they sang all the familiar songs I began to cry, trying hard not to let Dad see me upset...after all he didn't like it when someone else felt bad...
All I could think of was when Dad used to lead the nursing home services, How he was a deacon, one who took up the offering and now here he was...Instead of ministering to residents who were sitting there with slobber on their faces all of a sudden here he was the one I loved who had the slobber all over face..(Parkinsons also causes drooling)

When I left I again broke down in tears...I was able to muster enough energy to go to work on Monday and my boss (the main boss a Lt for the OHP) asked me how my Dad was doing and I sarted crying and said "He is not good!!" Bad enough that you have to cry but in front of a Man!!
He said "Life just isn't fair sometimes is it??"

So how did I survive?? Well you get used to it I guess...You get used to the weekly visits, you begin to know the nursing staff, you begin to know the other residents and you begin to rely on God for peace and comfort...Life as I knew it with the parents has changed and will never be the same again...

Rededication

OK as many of you care-givers know....Caring for loved ones is very time consuming and takes us away from family and relationships...
We did now ask for this just kinda happened
Hubby and I were very close and we went to church together, then we got involved in a Christian Motorcycle group...we finally got tired of that so we sold our Motorcycle and spent some time remodeling the house...plans were to get an RV however it was about that time that Dad fell on the ice...
He was OK at first then unable to walk...so I took him to Drs who sent him to rehab...I came home in tears...hubby said what is wrong? Hello rehab is the skilled unit of the nursing home..
Dad did OK at first and was able to go back home then he kept falling (Parkinsons) and finally
got to where he could not walk...so Mom calls me crying that she cannot take care of him...I was driving 50 miles a day...would go over there before work to help get him on the pot then he had in-home health care during the day and I would go after work to help again..
Finally we just put our heads together and Hubby and I decided to take him over to our house to live...(worst decision ever)
Mom was upset (her spouse of 50 some years was being taken away from her and Mom had never lived alone!!) I would take him to church on Sunday Morning (He was the secretary of his department) and him and Mom would be in church together it was also the only time Hubby and I would have our quit time together...then Mom would come over after church and we would have a Sunday dinner together...
Why did I do this?? Well maybe it was because I was always close to my parents and maybe it was because dad was a Baptist Deacon and I wanted to help him as much as possible...
But we thought about divorce often (and we always had a solid marriage) and many times I was faced with trying to decide between the parents and my spouse...
Finally Dad had back surgery and we got him back on a walker and he was able to go back to Mom...well she was afraid she could not care for him again so Hubby went over there and built an excellent ramp for them...
The first Day he went back to his house he fell and Mom called crying but that would be the first of many falls (Parkinsons again) But I guess I started putting Parents before God and hubby...my intensions were good but it just happened...
My husbands parents passed at an early age, His Mom was 54 and his dad was 60 so he always told me to take care of the parents...
Well after about a year of Dad being back with Mom he had a major fall and spent the night in the floor that was when Hospice said he needed to be in a nursing home...so we called 911 and placed him in the Hospital (so he could get 90 days of Medicare in the nursing home) and I set out finding a place for Dad...It was the worse Day of my life when I placed him in the nursing home for good...If I would have known then what I know now I think he could have been in an assisted living center that was progressive...but I only did what Hospice suggested and we did not expect him to be there 3 1/2 yrs He was a survivor...
I went through so much depressions and turmoil during this time that hubby and I knew we needed a church home...So I placed dad in a nursing home in April and in Oct we joined a local Baptist church...in fact we did not visit any others but his one and they have a tremendous prayer ministry to which I found very helpful...I spent alot of hours and e-mails sending to the Prayer room. We found Sunday School classes and began praying together and attending church..we needed this support as Mom was also going through depression and grief (yes you can grieve for someone before they pass I found this out the summer before Dad passed)
After about 3 yrs Mom began having health problems herself and she fell...I also saw that she just could not live by herself any longer...so I began looking for a place for her as well...I found a very lovely Independent living center for her but expensive as well...I was the one in charge of their finances...so to help out I would take turns with the aide taking Mom to Sunday School and church...This also did not help my relationship with hubby or God...I felt alot of times I needed to be in church with my spouse and became jealous many times...but I also enjoyed doing this for Mom...I would bring her back home and My wonderful hubby would have dinner ready for us...Then Dad passed in Oct 2008 and Mom suffered from grief and depressions to which I tried very hard to help her...It was at this time she began having problems with her Alzheimers so I had the Dr place her on Aricept, Namenda and Zoloft It at least kept her independent for about 9 more months...We had gotten away from our Sunday School classes and we again needed to attend church together...we tried several classes but did not fit in well...Finally we found a good class we both loved. The pastor had just started it...we both enjoyed it and we attended as much as possible...Then Mom started forgetting more and more and I had to make the decision of placing her in Assisted Living...it was good for everyone...It helped Mom to stay as independent as possible and it helped me and hubby to begin attending our Sunday School and church more...
Then Mom passed in Dec 2009. Our Sunday School class really helped out alot and I feel that easied the grief experience...After the grief was over I began looking at our own lives and marriage...Yes we attended church and yes we prayed but it was not what it should be. So we started really getting into the Bible and praying together and increasing our relationship with each other and with God..
Would I do it again?? Yes I would in a heartbeat!! But I think I would concentrate more on our relation with each other and with God...