Veterans Day 2010

This was my first Veterans day without Mom...
Not that Mom was a Vet but it was OUR day to start Christmas shopping...
I thought I would be sad...but I wasn't instead I was off work and got necessary repairs
or rather maintenance work done on my car then I took my Veteran husband out to dinner...
We met another couple there and ended up all 4 of us eating together...

I did not get any shopping done but did get most done on Saturday afterwards...and I have
had several shopping trips with my High School friends...It is not like I am totally alone..

I felt proud and saw on FB where everyone was honoring the Veterans I even posted hubbys
service picture...
yes Mom and Dad may be gone but life goes on and the memories of them and what they stood for lingers on...Dad as a Veteran and Mom in all her wisdom telling me how to fold the towels!!

Thanksgiving and Christmas

back about 6 month ago I was dreading the Holidays...


What are we going to do without Mom and Dad and my aunt now...
Holidays for the past 10 yrs have been
pick up aunt Goldie..
then get Mom and Dad (dad was in the nursinghme at one pt we hired a service to bring him
here for the Holiday dinner)
then we would have a big celebration complete with Turkey for Thanksgiving and Ham for Christmas..

But within two years they are gone!!

So what are we going to do now??

Our entire life this year is under adjustment...went from camping in campgrounds to a stationary camper
I was worried at first but now we are planning to travel for Thanksgiving...we are going to Lawton to visit relatives we have not seen in a long time
For Christmas we have no one to shop for anymore (all gift cards) so we are adopting a family of 6 who would not have a Christmas and we have already been invited by a friend to have Christmas dinner at her parents house..It will be different..I feel like an orphan that needs a place to celebrate...

At least we won't be alone and we will have people that love us all around us..
Look both forward and with tears the upcoming Holiday season..

July 4th Holiday

July 4th was really hard on me...
we went to our camping property at the Lake and it was a blast...but my memories kept going
back to Mom and Dad...my life is totally different this year...we usually stay home for the Holidays and have Mom and Dad come over for a picnic or BBQ however this is our first year
without the parents and after spending over 30 yrs with them on the Holidays we have to get out and do something different as it would be no good to just sit at home and be depressed so it is better to be out and about at the lake and be depressed right???
It worked...yes I missed them both horribly but being at the lake was far better and kept my mind off of until....at least until we got back home and I sat down and had a chance to think about them and our lives...I have a feeling we will be taking alot more week-end trips...

Memorial Day 2010

Here it is Memorial Day and we will be going to the Lake
So I decided to go to the store and buy flowers for Mom and Dads grave..

No big deal, not really...

I really don't believe in decorating graves...at least not until last year...

Last year I took Mom to the cemetary where they had a ceremony and we decorated

Dads grave and they read his name because he was a veteran

So first I went to the store and got the flowers one for Moms grave and one for Dads grave

then I picked up and dogs and took them to see my elderly aunt...she is now 86 and the last

one of that era in the family...

She is blessed to have grandchildren and their husbands even though they do not come about

She was worried about DHS cutting off her money and having to move into a nursing home...

I wish we could take her to live with us here...as I hate seeing anyone move into a nursing home..

I then took the dogs and headed to the cemetary...I put the flowers on the graves...I then headed home...It was not until I went past where Target and Wal-Mart used to be that it really hit me...I HATE coming through this part of town...

such memories...when Mom and I would go Christmas shopping together or just shopping together...when I went to Target to get them a shower curtain because Mom could not get into the tub with the shower doors there and we had to take them down and put up a shower curtain...when they called me from work because Mom fell at Wal-Mart...when we went Christmas shopping first to Target then across the street to Wal-Mart then down the street to Ventures then over to the Mall...sadly all are gone...baren and vacant just like what they have left in my heart and life...How much I miss them...the city has changed, my life has changed...I long to just go back five years...I long for them to talk to me again...to laugh together to love together...as I got home I had a bag of sunglasses I had taken out of my car that was towed because the hail totaled...what did I find in the bottom??? small kernals of popcorn from when Mom and I used to go see Christmas lights every year...a tradition...one that will never happen again...Yes Memorial Day and I remember my parents and how much I miss them...tears fall so slowly as I remember all the good times and bad times we had together...I had the best parents ever...Maybe I was too close to them but my husband would tell me often..."go take care of your parents they won't be here forever!!" so now I am to go take care of my husband...

Anniversary May 17, 1978

As of May 17 we will have been married 32 ...
I look back to when we got married...

times were tough and jobs scarce but we survived...

I had moved to Lawton, OK with some friends of mine

when the money ran out my friends did too..

So here I was in a city I knew no one and I was very lonely and depressed...

I prayed for God to send me someone and I met my husband the next week...

We met in Jan and got married in May...we met at a Christian singles party where only

three of us had never been married and the other gal was engaged...

So hubby asked me out for coffee then he said "By the way you have to drive...I don't have a car nor a license"

I found out later he had wrecked his sisters car and had two DUI tickets...fortunately for us he quit drinking after that...

But we plunged into marriage with great expectations...

We would be happily ever after...we would have a BIG house, BIG cars, lots of land and lots of children...isn't that what most young people do?? Look forward to have a happily ever after life..

Little did we know what lay in store...

Lets see I could go into the infertility quest...with tests, drs visits, operations etc and still no child...or the adoption games where we would apply time after time and have them call us and say they have a child for us only to call again and say they changed their minds...

Or how about becoming the parent to the parent?? We never imagined my parents would become elderly and old and need the help they needed...Nor can I imagine how I did what I did for them...

Their have been money problems, job problems, acts of God (like recently to where we need repairs to both the house and the cars), and now we are looking at our retirement years ourselves...

Without children we have to decide now just how we will survive without the other one if something should happen since we do not have family...Or how we will spend our Sr years...

I look back on life and our marriage and life is short...32 yrs seems like a long time but it hasn't been it seems like just yesterday we were looking at the blissful life...

I once heard someone say...It is not the date of birth or the date of death but the dash inbetween that is what is important...

I hope to have 32 more years with my husband but if not then I know life will go on and I will go on and it is the precious memories that we cherish and look back on...

Yes I would have wanted the big house and the house full of children however if I had the big house I would have not had the memories of rebuilding the old house on Shartel or repairing our hail damaged roof and if I had the house full of children then I could not have honestly say that our marriage is not just held together for the sake of the children.. and I would not have the memories of my lovely husband holding me in his arms when I cried so desperately for the child that we did not have....If I had not had elderly parents I would not have known how he would tell me "Its OK spend time with your Mom she will not be here forever" or how he would have our Lunch ready after I took Mom to church or how he

said it was OK for Dad to live with us for a year and that he would say "yes bring your mother home for the Holidays.." Knowing that she could barely walk and was constantly depressed and forgetting even simple tasks...

He has been the best husband in the world.

Holidays from now on

Our neighbors whom we spent all the Holidays with are moving
That threw me into a slight depression a few weeks back however my "Girlfriends" helped get me through the little hurdle and assured me I was a Normal daughter missing her "mommy" LOL
So we are trying our best to adjust to life with only the two of us...I don't know too many couples like us who have no children nor relatives as ours won't contact us at all and I have tried to contact them but failed...I just recently bought a Pine Mtn SistersPillow to stitch and send to my sister for just a present!!So I have decided during this first year to NOT celebrate Holidays...For Easter we are going camping...No Ham dinner (Mom always liked Ham) I will take my favorite chocolate Easter eggs (cannot live without my chocolate) and my stitching and have a good week-end..I definately do not want to go to church in the crowd and see other families..
On Mothers Day (My worse since we have no children) another camping trip...I always honored my Mom by taking her to church however she made sure everyone knew she was the Mother and I was the child and we had no children...(Gotta love those Sr Citizens)Plans are to crochet a potholder as my Mom taught me to crochet then give it to someone to whom looks like the need a hug along the road...My neighbor I stitched a Heinzeit and Placed it on a Pillow...I posted it to my blog..I gave it to her a few days agoFor My Moms BD (also In April) I stitched a lizzie Kate (at least I think It was Lizzie Kate or something similiar) BD cakepattern and placed it in an ornament Holder and put my Moms BD on it and plans are to send it to Moms BD twin (not her actual twin but a lady who has the same BD and Year) they sent cards to each other every year!!I am taking it one day at a time one Holiday at a time and in the meantime downsizing my self...I have wayyyy too much baking and cookware for just two people and plans are when we get 10-15 yrs down the road to move into Independent living ourselves (Hello No cooking nor cleaning!!)Right now we have our stuff and parents stuff etc and wayyy too much stuff...Have had two garage sales but am tired of garage sales so Goodwill will get a big blessing!!

St Patricks Day 2010

Well we celebrated but NOT St Patricks Day
We went out to dinner for the last time with our neighbors across the street who are moving to Houston,TX
We are close to them emotionally and spent all our Holidays with them..so from now on itwill only be Hubby and I as we are definately not close to family..
I stitched a Nurse Heinzeit for her and attached it to a Pillow...She just loved it..
Alot of people are suggesting going to Nursing Homes for Holidays but right now I amSICK of nursing homes and we are taking it one day at a time one Holiday at a time..
For Easter I told Hubby I just want to go camping (away from families) as that is also closeto Moms BD and I just want to go away with my chocolate Easter Eggs...with this crazy weather we may be camping in our living room but at least we can say we are camping...Oh yes I also stitched a BD pattern (small like the Lizzie Kates) for my Moms BD twin (not heractual twin but a lady who shared her BD same day same year) so I thought I would send it to herbecause I cannot think of Moms BD with thinking of her also they always exchanged cards..

GirlFriends

Weekend started out in depression...
Wanting to cry and wishing we did not have to have Holidays
spent the week-ends with my girl frends...
Yes four of us...starting out getting stuck in an elevator (trying to find the 8th floor)
we laughed so hard...
We are all middle aged, depressed, menopausal women...
They assured me I was quite Normal with all this since my Moms death has been so recent...
We shopped, we laughed, we talked and we stitched all week-end and we wished we could stay there forever but I once learned there are Mountain tops and valleys and at some point in time you have to come off the Mountain top and into the valley...so we are back to reality...

I am back with only hubby and I and the dogs with no relatives and my friends are back to their children and their hubbies and grandbabies...but we always know that shopping, stitching and week-end girl friend trips are much cheaper than paying a Therapist!!!

Alone

Our lesson last Sunday was titled alone...
It was about Jesus feeling alone and how some people do not cope well with being alone...

I was also volunteered as what they called the "Sunshine Lady" for our class...
Ever since then I have been soooo depressed...

I just want to sit and cry...
It started back in Dec when Mom passed, then the dr found an aneurysm in my hubby and he just recently had surgery, then my job was going to furlough four days a month, and what got me over the edgeis last Friday our neighbors (the ones we celebrate all the Holidays with) are moving to Houston,Tx...so we are ALONE!!!
No family no one to celebrate Holidays with except ourselves...
I told hubby I was going through a midlife crisis and he said "I thought you already went through that" and I said "No it lasts until I am 80"

We are the 1% of the population that never was able to have children...so everywhere I go it is about family and children...in Sunday School and church is on parenthood and children, my friends talk about their children and grandchildren...
Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and hide...I want to understand why God never allowed us to have children after we tried so hard...I want to not feel sooo alone at times..

But I must realize this first year after the parents is the toughest. It is the adjustment period. Learning to live without them, Learning to live with just us and learning to live life...

The daily devotion at work yesterday was
"Lord...Lead us in the direction you want us to walk rather in the direction we want to walk"
Yep that was meant for me...
It will get better...I MUST believe that...I must trust in God to help in every situation and I must realize that I am not alone...there are alot of other out there that do not have family or children also. (I just haven't met them yet...LOL)
I will hang in there and pray for Happiness...