Loses and Gains

Loses and Gains
Two years ago today I lost my dear Mom...She was 87 Years old...she was my life. I was here care giver but I was also her daughter and I was her shopping buddy...we did everything together. I took her to church, we went shopping together, we laughed together we cried together we crocheted together and we spent a lot of time together. I saw her on her good days and I saw her on her bad days. She had lost her husband 14 months earlier and it was so sad to see her go through that. We went through placing her husband in a nursing home, visiting him, having him in and out of the hospital and his death. We also shared good times together, every year we would shop on Veterans Day, on New Years, on Mothers Day week-end...Oh yes and Mothers Day...I hated that day because I could not be a Mother and be among the cherished however I learned to honor my Mom and be with her and enjoy that day through her...
Little did I know how My life would change through her loss...I gained so much..
1- I gained knowing there are good Christian people who will help you during hard times...Like the couple that helped us clean out Moms apartment,
2- Like my Friend who talked to me when I had my Breakdown at Kohls...
3- I gained a Prayer life...Mom was no longer there to pray for me when I am driving home on ice covered roads...yep I have to do that myself now...
4- I have gained new family...You see since we do not have children My Parents were our life...I now have cousins on both sides that are family...we have enjoyment again at Holidays...We have the priviliage of seeing kids delight at Christmas again...
5- I have a real sister whom never talks to be and I never see so I now have an adopted sister whom I am able to share everything with...we laugh together, we shop together, we cry together...she may not be blood but she is what a sister should be.
6- I also took both Mom and Dad to church, Our church life involved around them...You see Dad was a Deacon so I gave up our church life together for them...after all they took us to church when we were little...I have since gained a terrific church family...One of the best...I could not ask for a better church...
On the Anniversary of Moms death I do not want to look at her loss but rather on my gains and my life oh yes she will be missed however I chose to remember her Christian life and what she taught me and that she would want me to concentrate on my gains after all my Mom told me that God would send me someone to help take care of me...God did more than that...He has sent to me a lot of people to help take care of me...I am so Blessed!!
　
　
　
　
　

Death and Dying

What a morbid subject......
yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...
First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to do
more than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...
I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...
I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...
then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??
I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...
So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...
as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NO
I have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...
Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...
My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...

Does God really Know Best??

Ever wonder if God really knows best?? Yes that is easy in small areas of your life but how about the BIG ones...I never was good at being left out of anything...and now what?? I am left out of life and woman hood by not having my hearts desire...a child we both longed for and tried for...

I wonder if I will ever be satisified...as I see couples have babies, then they grow into toddlers and grade school and they get to attend school programs, funcations and events and Jr High which leads to ball games and plays and more programs and High School and they attend graduations and dances and they see them date and go off to college and then they get married and the family expands into in laws and grand children and here we sit...and sit...and sit just watching the movements all around us...never participating never becoming a part of it just listening to them tell us..."Of it shouldn't bother you it is not all fun" Ya think!! Nothing in life is all fun....but at least you can partiicpate and not just be a spectator!!

I think it is during these times I really Miss my Mom and Dad they were my life...they kept me going I often would think WHY did they live so long...well now I know it was NOT for them but for ME!!! So I would have something or someone to keep me going...and yes they did...

As my husband and I have recently said we would like to meet just one couple that is like us that had yearned for children and tried ever avenue but it never happened...we would like to meet just ONE other couple so we can relate and not just look on...

Guilt

Last night I was going through some of Moms papers...
She kept EVERYTHING and I am sure to post alot of it...

however there are some things that made me feel guilty...

Guilty that I did not do everything she wanted me to do
Guilty that I did things as a teenager and guilty that many
times I dissappointed her...

I guess in some ways we are alike...We seem to enjoying writting and
Journaling and tell when we are Happy and when we are Sad..
However when I find those Sad times that she wrote about I feel bad and
so guilty that she felt that way and that I did not do or say more to help or that
I did something that hurt her whether it was when I was younger or older

With all that said You have to realize that you are human too and God does forgive
He has forgiven my teenage years, He has forgiven my Young adult years and He
had forgiven my older years...
If God can forgive then I can forgive myself and I will do that...
Starting today I will concentrate on Forgiving myself and living a forgiven life!!

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow would had been Moms 88th Birthday...

she always LOVED her BD and made sure everyone knew when it was

Last year her BD was on Easter...

We were all sitting around the table having a Ham Dinner when all of a sudden

Mom pipped up and said "You know I don't remember the last time Easter fell on a Sunday!!"

It was tooo funny we were all trying not to burst out in laughter..

So to Honor Mom this year I stitch a Piece for Moms BD twin (not a real twin) just a lady Mom met that has the same BD as her...same day same year...

I will always cherish the Days we spent together...She was my Mother, my Friend, my companion and it is ironic that Mom never felt loved and she has NO idea how much she is missed!!

Christmas Tradition

It was Always a Christmas tradition for Mom and me...

Yep we would go shopping but not just by ourselves as we had already done that...

This was an extra special trip...with the dogs and we would all get our Picture taken with them...

Mom then would take her picture to the Sr Center and show all her friends her Grand-dogs...

Sad Day

Today I found out a long time friend of mine just lost both her MIL and her Husband in one day...I grew up with her a few doors down the street and we chat on facebook alot...she is a precious soul and is in a wheel-chair...
when I found out my first reaction was to call my Mom and let her know....duh...I gues she already knows...
My friends have told me that would happen but the first time it is soooo strange...
Mom and I were like Mutt and Jeff...when you saw Mom you saw me...we shopped together and even enjoyed grocery shopping...I would call her everyday and we would talk for 30 minutes to an hour...when I found out something I would call Mom right away...

I saw another family friend yesterday while getting last minute items from MY childhood house that will only be mine for a week or so more...the poor lady did not know Mom had passed...I hated relaying the news...but she were so precious to Mom so now I promised her an extra crochet item of Moms..

Life goes on and I also found out Moms grave marker that I had been waiting on had been in place for TWO months...so on Moms BD I plan on going to see it and looking up our lots too and paying our "opening and closing" and visiting Lana again with one of Moms treasures...

Most Treasured Item You ever made

What is your most treasured item that you have ever made?
This is really a hard one...really hard...I look around the house and I see the Afghan that reminds me when I had my hysterectomy...Nothing to do but crochet on my afghan...

I look on the Table and I see the Precious Moments Cross-Stitch box I made for Mom and how she just glowed when I gave it to her...

I look again and I see the little cross-stitch that I made for Me and Mike..and It celebrates our lovefor each other...

I look again and I see the small Easter basket out of Plastic Canvas and how Mom and Iwere both into it and shared patterns and Ideas...

And I see things that I have made and things that Mom made...I have a whole box full of Moms potholders that probably aren't worth anything to anyone but me...It reminds me of when we went to the Dentist together and all the workers gave her orders for potholders...Mom was so pleased that she was selling her stuff...They are all treasures and that I have made and that Mom has made and you ask me to name ONE???

Remembering how Mom and I crafted together ....That is what I like about crafts...It brings Mothers and Daughters together and it brings friends together and it brings women together...In love, in happiness and in sorrow...as long as we share our craft together

Why do we do Crafts??

Tell us your (theory) on why you do crafts...
For me Mom is responsible for it...
first off when I was little I remember stitching those little projects..and when I started working I would have an ornament kit and work on it during Lunch or breaks..
Once they had some sort of Afghan hook and did not have enough for everyone...so they drew names and mine was not drawn so I told Mom I wanted to learn how to make an Afghan and she started teaching me how to Crochet...she just loved it that I was learning...and so our adventure began..
I remember when I was little going to TG&Y and buying those little loops for potholders...When I got older Mom became my shopping partner and we made many, many trips to Hobby Lobby in fact I would tease Mom and tell her that when she passed on she would be buried at Hobby Lobby so I would be sure and visit her every day..
We shopped so much we even enjoyed grocery shopping together (Every other week for 30 yrs) some of the things Mom taught me is...You always need more than one project going at the same time,You always need a bag for each project,every woman has her nest...and her nest is by her chair...No one touches nest except her... and most of all Nothing comes between a woman and her crafts!!

The Notes

My Mom had Dementia and Alzheimers...I think she actually had this disease long before it was diagnosed just could not do anything as long as she could still be in charge of her own meds...
Anyways After her passing I have been finding all kinds of Notes...Notes she wrote as reminders, notes on calendars...snowed today, rainy today, no one loves me, I am alone, Nita came over praise God for her etc She had problems with loneliness and depression (maybe some of that is hereditory as I am constantly fighting it) but I think God lets me find some notes just when I need to find them...
After she passed I found a beautiful note Thanking me for caring for her and promising me that God would send someone to help me when I got her age (yes I told her I was worried about that since we never had children)..
Just recently I had a bout of depression because of alot of life changing events...I went on a much needed girls week-end trip and they assured me it was normal and the first year was the hardest...we laughed and talked together...after we got home I found a note my Mom had written down a poem...I guess it helped her and now it was helping me...at the end of each stanze it said Keep Smiling...whether the toast burns..keep smiling...no matter what happens..keep smiling...
Then yesterday I found a note my Mom had wrote...It said "my twins were born in 1951 I was 48 years old" I laughed so hard when I found that...Mom was 32 when she had me and my sister and her deceased twin is 3 yrs older then me...so Mom would have been 29...I remember she often would try arguing with me telling me she was in her 50's when she had me...but again you cannot argue with an alzheimers person so I would just laugh and let it go...
I am saving all my notes that mean something to me so I can look back and be encouraged...I can look back and keep smiling and I can look back and have a big laugh...Thanks Mom for leaving a part of you with me and Thank God for letting me find them right when I need them..

Shopping with Mom

Shopping With Mom
By Nita Bourland
12-12-2009

It must’ve all started
In the penny candy store
I would look up at you
and kindly hollar "MORE!"

Then as we grew it was T G & Y
and Hobby Lobby of course,
We’d tote in lots of bargains
and tell Dad..."It could’ve been worse!"

We’d shop for Easter dresses
Trying on clothes together
You were my shopping buddy
In all kinds of weather.

Then every other Thursday
Off to the grocery store we’ld go
Taking tons of coupons
Reaching bargains high and low.

But I’ll never forget
Our last shopping trip
It was for Christmas presents
and I Had your shopping list.

As I wheeled your chair around
Many smiles I would see,
And a lovely lady said...
"Makes me wish my Mom were with Me!!"

Even though I’ll now shop alone,
I’ll always have you near
As I hear you’re voice tell me..."better buy it now,"
"It may not be on sale next year!!"

The Dental Appt

Mom and I went to the dentist together for years and years..
She had gone to this dental office back when we were children and her original dentist retired
and the other one took over and I started going there and as Mom became elderly we just always went together.
Often we would stop and get lunh on the way home. It was a Mother/daughter thing
Well once a year or so back we had gone to the dentist.
He found a cavity and usually when that happened he would just work on it right there to save having to bring her back in.
Well afterwards we went out to eat and she was like a two year old.
Why does my mouth feel funny? Will it stay this way? How long does this last? are you sure this is normal? I have a sore also is that Normal? Maybe if I put campho Phenique on it will that help?
I will never forget that appt it was so funny because she did not remember ever having her mouth numb like that before..and I will never forget the 20 questions she asked afterwards.

My Moms Funeral Dec 12, 2009

I guess what I have learned from all this is that you do not grieve for any two alike
With Dad seeing him in the nursinghome I grieved ahead of time...with Mom grief started the day of the Funeral...

The entire week was just so full of things to do...going back and forth to the funeral home I was OK during the week just could NOT sleep...I guess because I was in charge with NO help (except for Loretta...we got together and picked out Moms funeral dress) So I knew I could not let go..

Then the morning of the funeral I picked up my Aunt Goldie (Moms Sister) and as soon as I got home I took a bath and then felt sooo sick and nausiated and nervous...
Pam the neighbor across the street came over to do my hair...She is a nurse and helped me help Mom when Mom had grief over Dads passing...She talked to me and calmed me down and we took it one step at a time...Without her I would have never made the funeral...
during the funeral I shed tears of sadness...I missed her so much and never would be able to go shopping again with her..
After the burial my sisters, BIL, niece and son all met at a local Mexican Restaurant for dinner then we came over and exchanged Christmas...
It was the next week that I really faced My grief and sadness
We moved Moms things from her apt on Saturday and on Sat evening I saw a neighbor friend of mine I told her and we cried together in freezing weather outside...That's what girlfriends are for..then I tried to go through her Jewelry and ended up in tears (may look again 5 yrs from now)
The next day was Sunday...we went to SS and Church...I thought I was OK...until I felt a little sad so decided to go shopping...In the middle of Kohls I was grief stricken...I called a friend of mine who assured me that I was Normal..."your Mom just passed of course you feel sad...You go to your car and have a good cry then continue your shopping and realize it won't be the last time"
So I did..
Then on Mon I decided NOT to go to work...I needed another day, maybe another week, maybe another year...Then I looked at myself and said "My grief will not turn into depression and I will go on with my life" I quickly dressed and got up and out and it was the best thing to do!!
I have many friends at work (Troopers and co-workers) who all gave me prayers and encouragement...
Since then yes I have had my bouts of sadness...as she was, is and always will be my Mom but with each sad Day I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I don't have to be sad forever!!

Moving from her house into Independent LIving

The Move From the House of over 50 years into Village on the Park (Independent Living Center)
1-Getting her Off the bed
Went into the house and she was UPSET because she did not have her favorite Knife for breakfast..I told her it was NOT that big a deal and not having a certain knife was not the end of the world but such a trivial matter...She was sitting there cutting up cardboard sorting through papers...She said she needed to go through things...We told her we needed to move the bed and finally talked her into going into the living room and sitting on the couch to sort through her papers
2-The Keys
She said I could not have the shed keys because I might lose them so I had to sneak the keys out of her Purse and had her aide distract her with a coat while I snuck her household keys from the living room...We were all in on the plan and she never had a clue
3-Her stuff
She had half a Bed full of stuff that went when she did and we needed to load it but she did not want it loaded because it was Not to go until she did. We finally convinced her that we would place it in the trunk of the car and the car would NOT leave until she did
4-Grandmas Thimble
She has a little Jewelry Box with her Grandmas Thimble in it...I had to protect that little box and keep it with me at all times until she was finally moved in for good then I took it back to her
5-The car ride
We got halfway there when she asked me if I got her pills from off the table...What pills
The ones she had to take every morning...I told her I did not know they were on the table and she said I should have reminded her I told her I would go back later and get them and she said she would go with me I told her she did not have to go with me to get them and she said I might forget...I finally convinced her I would NOT forget
6-The dinner
They gave us coupons for a free lunch with her...She asked James a friend of ours where he was from and he said Washington DC and she asked him if he knew President Buch
7-The Waitress
When the waitress came to clear the dishes she said she was not finished yet that we would not let her quit talking so she could eat
8-Meeting People
at this point she had no problems began talking to people as soon as she got in there and telling them her life story I knew then that she will be fine there

Afffair of the Heart

I just have to tell a story that Happened in Oct
We have an annual craft event here called "An Affair of the Heart"
Mom and I used to attend every year..until it got too hard for her to walk as it
includes 6 buildings...
Well this past Oct (2009) I attended with a co-worker and I actually got free tickets
for test driving a car...LOL
So my co-worker took her Mom (whom I attended High School with)

Anyways walking around and see her and her Mom buying for each other and having so
much fun reminded me of my Mom and the fun we used to have..
So after shopping there ALL day I was on my way home and I just had an urge to take Mom out
to dinner...So I called hubby and asked him if that was OK...Sure (hubby was really nice to let me spend time with Mom)
So I called the Assisted Living facility and told them my plans and to have Mom ready..
then I stopped by the house to freshen up...
When I arrived Mom was sitting there all grins...
It just thrilled her so much to spend a dinner out with her daughter...
We ate at a restaurant called Pioneer Pies and we shared a meal as Mom did not eat like she used to..
She giggled at all the little children in the restaurant..
Afterwards we stopped by the house to pick up her grand-dogs..
She always loved seeing her grand-dogs

I then took her back and we spent a little bit of time together before her bed time...

Little did I know then that she would only be here a few Months more..
I recently received an e-mail telling about a son that had a dinner date with his Mom...
I would recommend this to all who have elderly Parents...
Take them out to dinner, Pamper them, love them and tell them how special they are
I am sure glad I did...I feel like it was God telling me to do that and it is important to
follow the leading of what God wants you to do..

More on Mom

OK Maybe I should devote to all the FUNNY stories that the elderly do....

But when I get sad and miss my Mom I just remember the time she refused to

take a bath...Yep they called me and after about no bathing in a week I went up there and

me and an aide commensed in giving her a bath...well the cried like a two year old...as if we

were killing her...Every time I think of that I burst out laughing...Even though it was stressful and not funny at the time it is sooo funny now...

Another story was when I was moving her from Village on the Park (Independent Living) to Sommerset (Assisted Living) well she was good with the move up until moving day...I went up there to pack her up and she had been upset and crying all day I tried to ignore her and she threatened to call the police on me...

So I had the director of the facility talk to her and he gave her a candy bar and I took her hme with me for the night (what is an extra night!!) and then the next day I got her aide to take her to the new residence for the day while I packed up her room...You have to think ahead of the elderly and it was always a chore...

She ended up spending two night with us and Mom and I got Mother/Daughter pictures taken together...something we both enjoyed doing...Two things we always enjoyed together was getting our pictures taken together (whether at Pet Smart or for a professional Photographer) and grocery shopping...We went grocery shopping every other Thursday for about 30 yrs (until she moved into Village On the Park) then I took her grocery shopping about once a Month (after all she still needed snacks)...sometimes I still miss our every other Thursdays...
Often times I would work my lunch for a couple days and take off an hour or two early so I had time to help her through the store...When Dad got in the nursing home I would work 4 or more lunches then take off half a day every other Thursday...I would pick up Mom and we would go see Dad and spend a couple hours with him then we would head out to the Grocery store...We would often laugh at some of the funny stuff he said and did in the Nursing Home but then after Dad passed and Mom became older she started doing some of the same funny stuff...I would say "Remember when Dad did that?" and she would say "No I don't remember that" and I would just say "that's OK if you don't remember" then I would change the subject so as not to upset her...

My MOM

Just to let everyone know that My Mom passed away on Dec 12, 2009

Her and Dad had been married 58 yrs...She never was happy after he had passed..

She missed living in her own house and she missed her husband.

I fortunately was able to keep her in Independent Living for about 9 Months after Dad had

passed then in Aug I had to move her into Assisted Living and she went down hill from there.

She came over on Thanksgiving and had quit eating entirely...the week before she passed I took her to the Dentist in the Morning and to the Dr in the afternoon, I bought her over here for lunch but again she did not eat anything..A couple bites at the most..

She also started trying to give me her stuff before she passed..

After our Drs appt the Drs found she had a UTI infection...but she became very NEEDY after that..I would break my heart..When I got ready to leave she would cry and say "Please don't

leave me!!" So I tried sneaking out but she knew I had done that so the next time I bargained with her and said "If you let me go I promise I will be back" She said "You promise?" and I said

"yes" I then said "I will even send a nurse to check on you." She said "You will do that for me?"

I said "yes" and that seemed to pacify her..Then the next time I was fortunate to stay until bed time (8 PM) I tucked her into bed, helping her change into a diaper and take her shoes off..

I teased her about her smelly feet..The aide looked at me and said "Only a daughter could get by with that" Then the next time I saw her was in the ER and she had a stroke and was dying..I held her hand and stroked her hair...She only lived an hour afterwards...

Yes I have grieved and I have bouts of sadness however I found a note Thanking me for taking care of her and for bringing the dogs to see her..She said I calmed her fears and dried her tears..Even through the hard work I did enjoy the time I spent with her..I know she is happy now because her and Dad are together