update

Wow been along time since I have updated this thing

Shame on me!!
Guess Life has just got the best of me
Been doing GREAT!!
Had good Holidays with family we never even imagined
Going to church with my cousin...spent Holidays in Lawton with my husbands
cousin, drew names for next year also...but hopefully will see them before then

Guess we just decided we can sit here without family...have a Sister I never talk to (never
even sent me a BD gift) does that surprise me...NO as she did not care for the parents nor does
she care for us either...have a niece to whom I only talk to on FB occasionally and will probably
never see again...her child I only see on pictures have another great nephew about to be born
that I probably will never see but forget all that

Found we still have family...Our brothers and sisters have their family and their kids and
grandkids but if we want to have happiness and family we have to go look for it and have found
it in our cousins

We were going to a huge church to which we had no close friends so we changed to my cousins church to which I have made new friends and even talk to my cousin occasionally and our life
have improved drastically...We are happy and looking forward to new and great things to happen in our life!!!

I am sad

I am sad today
Why is it when women get together they seem to talk about how they had their kids
Labor and delivery...
Conversations I will NEVER be able to participate in...
Sometimes I just HATE my life and I wish I could just be a hermit because women don't
care how I feel...

They keep on and on with the conversation not realizing there are people in the room that do not have children...then I go to church thinking it will be better and it is NOT...we are the only couple in the church that wanted children but never have them...the preacher preaches about
his family and in SS they say "Mothers and Grandmothers are special"

We are not special we are no bodies...we are just here trying to find our own activities to fill our lives...we don't have the ball games to attent like parents do, we don't have school programs like parents do...we don't have the baby showers, the graduations etc

I feel so ALONE!!!

camping

We like to go camping alot...
Had quite a bit of stress free camping trips when we had two elderly parents to tend to...
Now all of a sudden they are gone...
Funny how things work...parents stress you out while they are here (dad calling you wanting you to help), Mom worried constantly about you...
Then they are gone and you really miss them...you miss the phone calls and the conversations...
I would call Mom from our camping trailer...
I would tell her when I got there and when I left...
I would tell her about the little turtles and squirrels...

I would tell her how much I loved her
Now I feel sad because she is no longer here to share with...
I have no one to share with and
my cell phone grows cob webs on it as I sit by the camp fire!!

Dads

My dad passed away Oct 08, 2008 and I never really grieved for my dad until after Mom passed...I guess I was busy helping Mom through her grief over him that I just did not concentrate on myself...
Anyways I have now started to really missing him and with Fathers Day and his BD month both coming up I started missing him...
We were talking at work and several girls say they did not have Dads that were there for them and that is carries over into adulthood when the Dad is not there for you...I on the other hand am quite blessed....
My Dad was always there for me....He was quiet and shy and definately not the leader of the family nor the discipilarian...(Mom did all that) but Dad was a Dad...he spent time with us...he was the one I went camping with, he was the one that played softball with me, that took me to the park that tried to sooth everything over by taking us out for ice cream...
Mom was the one I went to Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart or grocery shopping with,
Dad was the one I went to the swap meet, auto supply store or take out for breakfast with...

I was fortunate to get to know both parents as after my sister got married I had about 3-4 yrs of just me and Mom and Dad...we went on vacation trips together, we went to church together, we had time to talk together, at times I would have dinner ready for them...I got to know them and maybe that is why I cared for them in their elderly years...

I still won't part with the Magnet Dad bought for me at the auto supply store...I think it cost him 99 cents but he bought it for my craft projects so I could pick up needles with it...
After my Dad passed I made a list that went something like this...
Things I have never seen my Dad do:
1- Get drunk
2- Smoke
3- Cuss
4- Go out with other women
5- Go to a bar

Things I have seen my Dad do
1- Attend church
2- Pray
3- Read his Bible
4- Take up the offering
5- Cry when he heard a testimony
6- Spend time with his daughters
7- Hold hands with his wife

Yes I was truely blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anniversary May 17, 1978

As of May 17 we will have been married 32 ...
I look back to when we got married...

times were tough and jobs scarce but we survived...

I had moved to Lawton, OK with some friends of mine

when the money ran out my friends did too..

So here I was in a city I knew no one and I was very lonely and depressed...

I prayed for God to send me someone and I met my husband the next week...

We met in Jan and got married in May...we met at a Christian singles party where only

three of us had never been married and the other gal was engaged...

So hubby asked me out for coffee then he said "By the way you have to drive...I don't have a car nor a license"

I found out later he had wrecked his sisters car and had two DUI tickets...fortunately for us he quit drinking after that...

But we plunged into marriage with great expectations...

We would be happily ever after...we would have a BIG house, BIG cars, lots of land and lots of children...isn't that what most young people do?? Look forward to have a happily ever after life..

Little did we know what lay in store...

Lets see I could go into the infertility quest...with tests, drs visits, operations etc and still no child...or the adoption games where we would apply time after time and have them call us and say they have a child for us only to call again and say they changed their minds...

Or how about becoming the parent to the parent?? We never imagined my parents would become elderly and old and need the help they needed...Nor can I imagine how I did what I did for them...

Their have been money problems, job problems, acts of God (like recently to where we need repairs to both the house and the cars), and now we are looking at our retirement years ourselves...

Without children we have to decide now just how we will survive without the other one if something should happen since we do not have family...Or how we will spend our Sr years...

I look back on life and our marriage and life is short...32 yrs seems like a long time but it hasn't been it seems like just yesterday we were looking at the blissful life...

I once heard someone say...It is not the date of birth or the date of death but the dash inbetween that is what is important...

I hope to have 32 more years with my husband but if not then I know life will go on and I will go on and it is the precious memories that we cherish and look back on...

Yes I would have wanted the big house and the house full of children however if I had the big house I would have not had the memories of rebuilding the old house on Shartel or repairing our hail damaged roof and if I had the house full of children then I could not have honestly say that our marriage is not just held together for the sake of the children.. and I would not have the memories of my lovely husband holding me in his arms when I cried so desperately for the child that we did not have....If I had not had elderly parents I would not have known how he would tell me "Its OK spend time with your Mom she will not be here forever" or how he would have our Lunch ready after I took Mom to church or how he

said it was OK for Dad to live with us for a year and that he would say "yes bring your mother home for the Holidays.." Knowing that she could barely walk and was constantly depressed and forgetting even simple tasks...

He has been the best husband in the world.

Robyns BD

These are pics of Robyn

growing up...hard to believe she is

35 today...WOW!!

Below here she is with Bryan..

and to the right after Scott

came along!!

Here is Robyn around

two or three in Preschool

My favorite pic of Robyn...I sent her a BD card for her BD

and it must have been her very first card she received as

she carried it around with her for 3 weeks...

Here she is with her Baby bottle...

The Ray family

Grandpa, Grandma and Aunt Nita holding Robyn..

I was 20 when she was born

They grow up so fast and it is hard to believe that she is 35 today...

It is hard to believe that I am 55 It is hard to believe that family is not as close as they once were and I wish I could be with her to help her celebrate her BD...but sending cards and hugs and love is about as much as I can do....

she has been there for me and I appreciate it so much...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN!!

The House

These are Picture of my Childhood Home...

It is all so empty now...

There are Memories behind this house...both good and

Bad Memories

My parents bought the house when I was only 5 Months old

I used to tell them I helped them move into the house...(LOL)

I remember growing up there and doing sommersaults on the

couch in the TV room...as we grew up the TV room became my sisters Bedroom and

my sommersaults went outside...

We brought friends over and had Sunday dinners of Roast Beef, Meat Loaf or Chicken...

Often inviting the Minister after Curch or a girlfriend or two...

I had Roller Skating parties every year for my Birthday and lots of people over for

Christmas and Thanksgiving...My parents often invited the unexpected for Thanksgiving...

One time prisoners from the Prison Release Center...

My Dad voluntered at the Local Nursing Home and we often went with him on Sunday afternoons and sang for the elderly...

We had no cell phones back then and parents bought a long cord for the Phone so I could talk in the bathroom (In privacy) with only one bathroom no one was allowed to enter while I was on the phone...

There were signs on my door "No NOT Enter" "Danger..Enter At your own Risk" (I was a teenager)

After my sister got married that only left Mom, Dad and me...I often cleaned the house as a surprise for them or cooked a meal when they were busy elsewhere...

We grew older and so did the house...

We got married, we moved...we we came back to the house where Mom and Dad were...I would take Dad out for Breakfast they were both on walkers now and I knew exactly where to find them...either at the Local Mall (they were Mall Walkers) or at the Sr Nutrition Center..

There are Bad memories also...Dad had Parkinsons and started falling... I had to take him from the house and into our house...Mom cried as I am crying now..It was really hard on her..

Then Dad got better and after a year went back with Mom...He lasted a year and finally we had to take him from the house and into a nursing home...

Mom stayed there by herself for 3 yrs

I will always miss the Grocery nights that Mom and I had..For over 30 yrs every other Thursday was grocery night...I would pick Mom up after work and we would go shopping (we both loved shopping together and even enjoyed our grocery nights) To this day I cannot enter Crest on Douglas in Midwest City.

I finally had to move Mom from the house into Independent Living...Mom Cried...I cried for her and wish she could have stayed there but I did what I thought was best for her..

It took a year to clean out the house...and it is now Empty...It will soon be gone...not in the family anymore..

I could never live in the house with all the Memories...but what I have to realize is that house is just a house...It is the Parents and the loved ones that make a Home..

I grew up not in a House but in a Home...Mom and Dad never realized this but they never ever left their Home...When Mom was sitting in the nursing home with Dad (holding hands and praying together) they were at Home...When Mom came over here for Sunday Dinners she was at Home...When Mom was in Assisted Living and I came to see her with my dogs...She was at Home...

Mom and Dad are both at Home now with their Heavenly Father and I pray I will always have a Home...even when my husband is gone I pray God will provide loving people to give me a Home full of love, and joy like I have experienced growing up.

Dad and R J

This one was taken some time ago...Lets see Dad has been in Heaven for a year and a half now and R J is into Soccer so you can tell it is an oldie but goodie that I have found recently...

Sad Day

Today I found out a long time friend of mine just lost both her MIL and her Husband in one day...I grew up with her a few doors down the street and we chat on facebook alot...she is a precious soul and is in a wheel-chair...
when I found out my first reaction was to call my Mom and let her know....duh...I gues she already knows...
My friends have told me that would happen but the first time it is soooo strange...
Mom and I were like Mutt and Jeff...when you saw Mom you saw me...we shopped together and even enjoyed grocery shopping...I would call her everyday and we would talk for 30 minutes to an hour...when I found out something I would call Mom right away...

I saw another family friend yesterday while getting last minute items from MY childhood house that will only be mine for a week or so more...the poor lady did not know Mom had passed...I hated relaying the news...but she were so precious to Mom so now I promised her an extra crochet item of Moms..

Life goes on and I also found out Moms grave marker that I had been waiting on had been in place for TWO months...so on Moms BD I plan on going to see it and looking up our lots too and paying our "opening and closing" and visiting Lana again with one of Moms treasures...

Who am I???

In Sunday school today one of the ladies brought out that we often face an Identity crisis...
We are not cheerleaders any more, we are no longer students, or If we quite work we are no longer workers...
Then who are we??
That got me to thinking as I am facing that right now...
I am not a caregiver anymore, I am not a daughter, and I am not a Mother and will never be a
grandmother (a sadness that will never go away!!)
So who am I???
I think we think of ourselves humanly when we need to think in the Spiritual realm...
We may not be whom we want to be however I have a child of God, We are a creation of God, we are made in the image of God...
Is that enough??
My husband and I were also talking on the way home...sadness began to flood my soul...we started talking about Mom and Dad...I was having guilt feelings on things I could have done differently with Dad...My husband said "Oh no your Mother would have never liked it..she would have been upset" and I said...
If anyone ever happy?? You have little babies you are stressed, you have little children and you get stressed, You have teen-agers you get stressed, they grow up and leave you alone and you feel deserted, or if you never have children you are always sad and wished life would have been different...Are you ever happy???
One thing my Mom did teach me is this...if we were Happy all the time here on earth we would not want to go to Heaven...so if we just remember who we are and where we came from and where we are going God can get us through all the sad times, all the Mothers Day, all the Fathers days...all the Easters and Holidays without the parents and family...after all what is worse then not having a family on Easter??? It would be to not be a part of Gods Family in Heaven...
I am a Child of the King and I have a family...

Sweet R J

Picture of R J

Family

This post is not to make you feel bad but to make you think...
family can get on your nerves and is very upsetting from time to time...
But you don't really appreciate family until you don't have family...

For the past Month or so I have come to the realization that we do not have
family and I will do anything to get family again...

To have somewhere to go for Holidays, to have a meal with family...
Oh yes I am married but God never blessed us with Children and our brothers and
sisters are scattered all over...we are not close to any of them...
So with all that said...If you are close to your Brothers and sisters give them a hug,
if you still have your Mom and Dad take time to help them, if you have Children call them or
talk to them...enjoy your family and pray for us that we will have good Holidays..and somehow
get reconnected with family..

My Great Nephew

Here we have Robbie (R J) at top he is a spaceman....in the next photo it is "Hook Em Horns" and in the bottom photo is Dad and Son...Isn't he cute?? Guess he takes after his Great Aunt Nita

A family of Generations

This is my family My sister Mary, My Mother, Robyn my niece and her little boy Robert John (we call him R J)

Pictures of Nita and Mike

This was on our trip to Branson last year and we had so much fun

We camped in our Camping Trailer and were able to stay about a week

We now have a fifth wheel with a slide out and are looking forward to another trip sometime

We also met a nice couple there name is Sue and Richard.

They have become lifelong buddies to us. They live in Texas.