The Perfect Life

What is the Perfect Life? To me it is a Mother, Father and two or three children...all working and playing and shopping together...
I see on Facebook all the Families, the parents, the grandparents, the people I grew up with who post pictures of their kids and grandchildren...the eat together, they play together, they shop together...
Since I do not have children of course I think the perfect life consists of children,
Others who have children think the perfect life is without children (especially during the terrible twos) stage
In reality there is no perfect life...
For over 32 years I shopped with my Mom, now she is not there I have no Mother or daughter to shop with. But sometimes God does not give us what we want but what we need. I may not have a Mother or daughter but I have Friends and Sisters and Cousins who are all willing and fun to shop with...not what we want but what we need..
My husband has even gone shopping with me (although I shop at Sams for the food samples and he shops to get out of there with or without me)..
To me a perfect life would be a grandmother, to be able to go to childrens school programs, to be able to go to the Birthday parties, to have a preacher recognize us as grandparents ...God does not give us what we want but what we need. Even this is what I want maybe all I need is a HUG from a neighborhood child, or to see someone else grandchild and see the two together...to have the kids in the park pet my dogs and see the smile it brings them, heck at least I will never be grandparent age!!
One thing my Mom did teach me is about the Perfect Life...you see there is no perfect life until we go to Heaven...If we were happy and content down here we would have nothing to look forward to and we would not want to go to Heaven to be with Jesus...
After All Jesus give us the contentment to live the unperfect life and God is preparing for us the Perfect Life with Him forever...

Life Changes

Life is constantly changing...it has its up and downs...it has gains and losses...it has excitement and disappointments..

So WHY do I sweat the small stuff?

WHY do I worry about the outcome when it eventually all works out? God is always in control..we cannot see the whole picture the way He can..

So we need to make the most out of whatever comes our way...take one day at a time, smile, and live life to the Fullest...

Today is a new day, a new step in the history of my life, a new chapter, a new page...and I plan to enjoy it!!!

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Loses and Gains

Loses and Gains
Two years ago today I lost my dear Mom...She was 87 Years old...she was my life. I was here care giver but I was also her daughter and I was her shopping buddy...we did everything together. I took her to church, we went shopping together, we laughed together we cried together we crocheted together and we spent a lot of time together. I saw her on her good days and I saw her on her bad days. She had lost her husband 14 months earlier and it was so sad to see her go through that. We went through placing her husband in a nursing home, visiting him, having him in and out of the hospital and his death. We also shared good times together, every year we would shop on Veterans Day, on New Years, on Mothers Day week-end...Oh yes and Mothers Day...I hated that day because I could not be a Mother and be among the cherished however I learned to honor my Mom and be with her and enjoy that day through her...
Little did I know how My life would change through her loss...I gained so much..
1- I gained knowing there are good Christian people who will help you during hard times...Like the couple that helped us clean out Moms apartment,
2- Like my Friend who talked to me when I had my Breakdown at Kohls...
3- I gained a Prayer life...Mom was no longer there to pray for me when I am driving home on ice covered roads...yep I have to do that myself now...
4- I have gained new family...You see since we do not have children My Parents were our life...I now have cousins on both sides that are family...we have enjoyment again at Holidays...We have the priviliage of seeing kids delight at Christmas again...
5- I have a real sister whom never talks to be and I never see so I now have an adopted sister whom I am able to share everything with...we laugh together, we shop together, we cry together...she may not be blood but she is what a sister should be.
6- I also took both Mom and Dad to church, Our church life involved around them...You see Dad was a Deacon so I gave up our church life together for them...after all they took us to church when we were little...I have since gained a terrific church family...One of the best...I could not ask for a better church...
On the Anniversary of Moms death I do not want to look at her loss but rather on my gains and my life oh yes she will be missed however I chose to remember her Christian life and what she taught me and that she would want me to concentrate on my gains after all my Mom told me that God would send me someone to help take care of me...God did more than that...He has sent to me a lot of people to help take care of me...I am so Blessed!!
　
　
　
　
　

update

Wow been along time since I have updated this thing

Shame on me!!
Guess Life has just got the best of me
Been doing GREAT!!
Had good Holidays with family we never even imagined
Going to church with my cousin...spent Holidays in Lawton with my husbands
cousin, drew names for next year also...but hopefully will see them before then

Guess we just decided we can sit here without family...have a Sister I never talk to (never
even sent me a BD gift) does that surprise me...NO as she did not care for the parents nor does
she care for us either...have a niece to whom I only talk to on FB occasionally and will probably
never see again...her child I only see on pictures have another great nephew about to be born
that I probably will never see but forget all that

Found we still have family...Our brothers and sisters have their family and their kids and
grandkids but if we want to have happiness and family we have to go look for it and have found
it in our cousins

We were going to a huge church to which we had no close friends so we changed to my cousins church to which I have made new friends and even talk to my cousin occasionally and our life
have improved drastically...We are happy and looking forward to new and great things to happen in our life!!!

Chill Day

Was sick today with a sore throat and headache to I stayed home...
Did not do too much got alot done...You know those little things you never have time to do when you are working

Organized my Make up and Jewelry (How I do need to down size more but have to still be attached to alot of Moms Jewelry and Dads watches)
Even found a pair of Dads eyeglasses that I still hold onto...
If I ever move and have to downsize it will be a nightmare!!

I also got alot of Stitching done...
I held the dogs (sometimes just a little bonding helps in every blended family and yes we are a family)
I also reminsced on Mom and when I had to lie to her when I was sick or she would worry about her 50ish daughter!!!
I fell better but still not up to par yet...however I feel a workday coming on tomorrow : > (

Why I want to be a Mother

I know I will never be a Mother but thought I would explain why it bothers me so much

You see I know how special Mothers are...
There is a special bond between Mothers and Daughters
I had that...I had that with my Mom I LOVED shopping with her and I LOVED helping
her and I was proud
Just last year I took her shopping and I was so proud

Well there is also a Special bond with Mothers...they are all special and I see the bond they
have...I feel left out of that bond...I don't know why God did not let me have that bond but
It does hurt me to not have that bond

So for all you Mothers out there...YOU are special...and that is why I do not feel special...
perhaps I am in a way but not the way I want to celebrate my womanhood...

I am sad

I am sad today
Why is it when women get together they seem to talk about how they had their kids
Labor and delivery...
Conversations I will NEVER be able to participate in...
Sometimes I just HATE my life and I wish I could just be a hermit because women don't
care how I feel...

They keep on and on with the conversation not realizing there are people in the room that do not have children...then I go to church thinking it will be better and it is NOT...we are the only couple in the church that wanted children but never have them...the preacher preaches about
his family and in SS they say "Mothers and Grandmothers are special"

We are not special we are no bodies...we are just here trying to find our own activities to fill our lives...we don't have the ball games to attent like parents do, we don't have school programs like parents do...we don't have the baby showers, the graduations etc

I feel so ALONE!!!

Adoption option

Saw an acticle today about adoption and it made me wonder all over again
Why God did not allow us to adoption a child...

I think alot of people look at us as if we did not try and I think alot of people think adoption is easy...
We went through all the adoption stuff...the home study, the interviews, the paperwork, we had an agency who ripped us off, we tried going through an attorney, we even put an add in the paper and had a couple want us to adopt their child...

With each adoption prospect it would get so close and then their minds would change or it would fall through or something would happen...we have even had people call us from the hospital and say they had a baby for us and then call us an hour later to say minds have changed...
I completely lost count I think it was 7-8 adoptions that we lost...

Yes I do wonder why...but once I heard someone say Why Not??
Why not me to be the one to tell how it feels??
Why not me to be the one to hug the woman who has just lost her child she was carrying or the adoption they were trying for...
Because I totally understand the pain involved...
Life isn't always perfect but we just have to live one day at a time and look for the one who needs us the most!!

Lost

Tonight I got lost going home from stitch night

I had a moment or so where I did not know where I was....
I was going on the side of some expressway but where was I...

After while I ended up about a mile from where I should be...
How did I get there??? I did not know then all of a sudden I figured it out...
but when you have been a care giver for so long I think You actually have a fear...

Am I going to get Alzheimers??? Am I going to get Parkinsons and end up in a nursing home??
How will I turn to?? Who will help me?? What if my husband dies and I am by myself??

All these are common feelings and do not go away overnight!! It may take a lifetime....

In the meantime...I am glad I finally got back to reality..

Why I write

Maybe alot of people will read my writting and think it is depressive however I write
to get my feelings out...

Alot of times I cannot express myself to anyone...OK so we don't have kids but you cannot explain to a woman who has 5-6 kids what it is like to not have any...
Alot of times I feel like I am by myself in my feelings and sadness so I write about how I feel...

It sure does help me...It may not help you or it may who knows there may be another childless couple out there who has the same feelings...or someone who had lost their Mom and Dad or someone to whom can relate...
If not I can relate to myself...
I have been a writter since High School...sometimes sad sometimes happy...

Even in sadness you can be blessed...even with no children you can be blessed...even with a household of children you can be blessed...even in death you can be blessed

and so we all trudge along and I write so I can express how I feel!!!

My Church

Ok guess I will tell a bit about my church...

Kinda strange...It is a BIG church and I mean BIG has probably 5,000 members...
We are not close to anyone in the church...we have acquaintances in the church but not anyone I feel I could call and talk to..

We choose this church because alot of times we were in a small church and with not having kids they thought we had just all the time in the world and we ended up doing about everything...just got tired...
For along time we rode motorcycles so we were gone and had no church home...we were in a Christian Motorcycle ministry so not like we didn't get preached to...
Then came caring for the parents...when Dad moved in with us I concentrated on him and Mom
Told dad "you took me to church when I was little so we will make sure you can go to your church" poor man he was a deacon in his church and had Parkinsons but he did his church records for his SS class...so every Sunday Dad and I would head to his church I would drop him off to be with Mom and his class...then I would go home (our only time to be along with each other) and then I would pick him up after church where Mom would come over and we would all have dinner together (had a family then at least)
Then when dad got in the nursinghome I was soooo upset and crying all the time (don't think I have ever stopped) and that is when we joined the church...we would go every other week as I took turns (with their aide) taking Mom to SS then across the street to be with Dad They would sit together in church at the nursinghome and hold hands it was quite sweet...

We were under so much stress I would write a Prayer request every week...they have a terrific prayer ministry and I was grateful..

The church has been helpful during both the deaths of my parents...
It is just kinda strange going to a church where the Pastor does not even know you...Oh he knows our name but that is about it...
Alot of times we feel lost...
They have alot of activities for parents and teens and little kids but nothing for a couple like us that has no family...they even have a Womans activities but I am gone so much with my cross-stiitch friends that I feel guilty leaving my husband at home all the time...
We need couples activities and I can see my husband has no "Christian men friends" He needs some but has done...I get worried about that but then I cannot change things...
I have alot of Christian women friends from my Cross-Stitch group, my HS friends, and work but My husband does not have that...

I think of all the pastors we have had in the past...Bro John and Bro Delancey were both terrific and have since gone to be with God...so having a pastor that is so distant is strange...I tried once to go on a Sunday Night but ended up in tears remembering my great pastor...I don't believe you should be sad when you go to church...NO Way...

I don't blame the pastor because this is the church we have chosen at the time...I just remember the great ones I have had....and wish my husband could find the good Christian men examples like I have had in the past...

And so we go to church...why because we should but we also have our enjoyment at the lake (we have made lots of friends there) no we are not sinners just a loving couple that does not want to spend their lives just going to work and church and that is all...we believe in having FUN!!!

In the eyes of God

I seem to make a decision (read one scripture verse a day)...well I don't know what is wrong but it will last for maybe a day or two or three then I forget or my life gets in the way..

What happened to my dedication or devotion?? Where am I at in the eyes of God...

I don't think God wants our dedication and devotion and yes he loves to see the person who is reading the entire Bible in a year however to me right now God seems so faw away...It may be all the struggles we have been through the past 10 yrs...caring for the parents...screaming out "why does God hate me??" the death of the parents...the guilt of things I could have gone differently...feeling ashamed the I screamed at God!! Wishiing the parents were still here (even with the stress and struggles) The many tears I cried at night and many tears I still cry...when I am alone in the dark with no one watching except me and God..

But I believe God see our effort also...He is pleased when we try...He may not look at it as failure the way we look at it as failure...He may just want us to live one day at a time...one thought at a time one moment at a time and dwell on the future...

Has God moved?? He seems so far up there...losing three relatives within two years is not easy and makes me dwell on death and after death...I get scared and I get lonely and I miss the parents, and my aunt...but I will take it one day at a time one thought at a time one moment at a time and keep on trying to look up..

Discrimination

Today we went to Sunday School...we have not gone to Sunday School for quite a while as we have personal problems fitting into the group....Yes I say Personal problems for we understand it is not anyone except us......we are the outsiders we are different...since we don't have kids...

so we go today and what is the lesson on "Discrimination" OK so are we discriminated against or do we discriminate??? Maybe we put out lives in a mold and make ourselves different...Maybe we just wanted to have children so much we never got past it...
Am I being Discriminated against or do I discriminate against Mothers??
Last Night I sat by a friend...she has four children and a new grandbaby to which she never has seen you see her son lives in Colorado and she is caring for a Special needs child so her son cannot afford to come here nor can she afford to go there...so she was showing me pics of the grandbaby she has not seen,,,Look, listen the way I want others to look and listen to me...
So when I went to bed I said a special prayer for her...

You see I don't blame people...heck if we had a while household full of teenagers and grandchildren I sure would NOT have time to get with others...so Maybe it is ourselves...or because I see my womanhood in jepordy...
One thing I have learned from dealing with the parents is there is NO perfect situation...My Dad was not happy...he fell alot and had to do what we told him to do and he was not happy (but he did teach me ice cream healed every hurt), Mom was not happy...yes she was a mother so motherhood must not be the answer...Mom lost a child at birth and Mom had TB two things she never got over...Mom always thought no one loved her...and Mom was upset alot (I think alot of it at the end had to do with her Alz) and my aunt was not happy...I have found poems she wrote about her unhappiness when her son took her grandchildren away from her...
and her I think alot of times Motherhood is the answer to my unhappiness...If I only had children I would fit in and I would be happy and I would not feel discriminated against...
I sit here in tears...because I don't want to be discriminated against nor do I want to discriminate...
So where do you find happiness??? Will I live the rest of my entire life unhappy because I am not a mother?? If I let it ruin my life it will...If I don't get a grip on it then it will be there forever...so starting today I will read one scripture verse a day...so strive for happiness that I don't feel right now...Yes I know I am not perfect and yes I don't read the Bible like I should...heck I even downloaded a Bible app thinking it would help me to get into the Bible more...so I have Gods word at my desk, in my home and even on my phone and I cannot read just one verse a day...no wonder I am so unhappy!!!
I just recently heard on the radio a story of a man that was complaining about all his problems and his friend said he would take him someplace where there was not problems...so he took him to the cemetary...You see no one there has problems because they are all dead...everyone has problems and happiness is a choice...so choose happiness...
Remember starting today one verse a day I choose Happiness!!!

Death and Dying

What a morbid subject......
yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...
First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to do
more than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...
I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...
I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...
then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??
I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...
So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...
as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NO
I have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...
Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...
My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...

Does God really Know Best??

Ever wonder if God really knows best?? Yes that is easy in small areas of your life but how about the BIG ones...I never was good at being left out of anything...and now what?? I am left out of life and woman hood by not having my hearts desire...a child we both longed for and tried for...

I wonder if I will ever be satisified...as I see couples have babies, then they grow into toddlers and grade school and they get to attend school programs, funcations and events and Jr High which leads to ball games and plays and more programs and High School and they attend graduations and dances and they see them date and go off to college and then they get married and the family expands into in laws and grand children and here we sit...and sit...and sit just watching the movements all around us...never participating never becoming a part of it just listening to them tell us..."Of it shouldn't bother you it is not all fun" Ya think!! Nothing in life is all fun....but at least you can partiicpate and not just be a spectator!!

I think it is during these times I really Miss my Mom and Dad they were my life...they kept me going I often would think WHY did they live so long...well now I know it was NOT for them but for ME!!! So I would have something or someone to keep me going...and yes they did...

As my husband and I have recently said we would like to meet just one couple that is like us that had yearned for children and tried ever avenue but it never happened...we would like to meet just ONE other couple so we can relate and not just look on...

Mental Health

OK I feel like I am ready for a Mental breakdown...
How much can ONE person take by themselves??
First I had to care for my Dad who had Parkinsons and Dementia (would do it again in a heartbeat!!) then he passed in Oct 2008
then immediately cared for my Mom who had Alzheimers and Arthritis (again would do it again in a heartbeat!!) She passed in Dec 2009
Well now I have my Aunt...it seems her grandchildren think because I am her POA I am solely
responsible and that I need to do it all....
I am at my wits end...I did not ask for this and do not deserve this....
Does God not care what I am going through???
It makes me question everything!!!
I cannot handle everything and God knows this...when they quote the scripture that God does not give us more than we can handle I wonder is it true???
Her granddaughter uses the excuse that she does not drive!!! Hello Taxi cabs!!! Buses!!! Children and neighbors that have cars!! If you want to help you will...When will I have a fullfillment in life??
When will life change for me???
Why does all this have to happen???
How do you go on when you feel like you are at your breaking point?? I am in tears constantly...and have no peace in my life!!! I stopped by the cemetary yesterday and talked to Mom and Dad...Don't know if you are suppose to talk to the dead however I did!! and I told Mom to help me somehow even if she has to talk to God...

The talk

I had to have "the talk" with my aunt...
She can no longer live by herself and will be in the nursing home for good...
Somethings in life are just not fair...
It was not fair that my Dad was in a nursing home, taken away from his wife of 58 yrs to spend the last 3 yrs of their marriage alone and apart from each other...I saw her cry so much
every time they had to part from each other..
It was not fair that after he passed Mom got worse and I had to move her from her home of over 50 yrs to an assisted living facility...It was not fair she cried herself to sleep...I tried to sooth her but she did not understand...
They never do understand that you are doing this for their safety and well being..
It is not fair I am having to be in charge of my aunt because no one else will...
It is not fair I am having to have "the talk" with her and that I am the one to see the tears...

Yes some things in life are just not fair...so I ask myself How do you deal with the unfairness of life?
1 You trust God that the unfairness is part of HIS plan
2- You look at the good side of life...the people he has brought together the times I spent with Dad at the nursing home sharing pop with him while he thought he was a school bus driver
3- You laugh at the little things, and cry when you feel the need to (It helps you feel better)
4 You find it is OK to get mad, or angry and sad because that is a part of life
5 and most important you enjoy life while you have it...go on trips, have BBQ's, pray and life one day at a time because God has not promised you a tomorrow but he has promised you LIFE for today!!!

Why does no one care??

Why does no one care??
Why does my family not care how this effects me mentally??
Why do they think I am the one to do everything??
I can't I cried all night long...I feel like I am falling apart...

My aunt called me yesterday wanting this and wanting that...Hello why does she not
call her grandchildren??

A wise woman yesterday quoted the Serenty Prayer to me yesterday so she told me to disect it and list what I have to do and what I do not have to do...
As her POA I am required to sign documents, handle her bank accounts and get her on DHS (this is what I need GODS help in as it so reminds me of the hell I went through with my parents and I hate no one cares what I went through)
However this is what I will NOT do...I will tell my aunt if she needs anything to call her grandchildren, I will tell the nursing home they will have to handle all MEDICAL stuff, I will let her family bury her, I will NOT visit her every week I will let her grandchildren visit her and If they don't I will NOT feel guilty...

God help me I feel so sad and so upset and I feel like I am having a breakdown and no one cares..

Having a Mental Day

Ever live your life all over again???
Well this is it again...and I feel another breakdown..
First I took care of my Dad...took over his finances downsized him, moved him into the nursing home and salvaged half their assets for Mom who never worked...

Then I took care of my Mom over night the caregiving changed from Dad to Mom...especially after dads death...I had to again downsize her continue overseeing her finances moving her into Independent living then assisted living and managing her care...

Well now Mom has been gone 6 months and my nightmare continues...now it is my aunt...I signed up a long time ago to be her POA so I am in charge of downsizing her, moving her into the nursing home and managing her care...

I really feel a mental breakdown coming down and I am sad, depressed and feel such a burden on my sholders...unless someone has had to care for an elderly relative they cannot understand...
I just want to cry...and say Why me??

My Life

Right now I am trying to fill my life with fun and activities...
I am working Overtime as hubby has worked some also...and we are making
trips to the lake and I am planning activities with my High school friends and with my
craft friends...at least that way I do not think of our childless state nor about not having the
parents...
I think it has been decided I am going through a midlife crisis to where you just wake up
one day and everyone except your husband is gone!!! Well I have made it thought puberty, I have made it through my teen years, school, marriage and raising the parents through their elder years so yes I will make it through this also...
I have found if it feels bad I do not have to do it...like our sunday school class...I LOVE the people it is not their fault...but when I go I feel bad because they talk about their kids and their families
and I start feeling bad...so we go occasionally when we want...Is that bad?? Do you have to be in church every single Sunday to be a Christian? What about when you feel like you don't belong??
I have downloaded a Bible to my phone so I can get scripture...it is so hard to get into Gods word as much as I try...but I believe church attendance is between only me and God He alone knows my heart and my hurts...He will be there I have to believe that!!!
Life can be fun and it can be exciting and that is my goal to make it that way!!