Memorial Day 2010

Here it is Memorial Day and we will be going to the Lake
So I decided to go to the store and buy flowers for Mom and Dads grave..

No big deal, not really...

I really don't believe in decorating graves...at least not until last year...

Last year I took Mom to the cemetary where they had a ceremony and we decorated

Dads grave and they read his name because he was a veteran

So first I went to the store and got the flowers one for Moms grave and one for Dads grave

then I picked up and dogs and took them to see my elderly aunt...she is now 86 and the last

one of that era in the family...

She is blessed to have grandchildren and their husbands even though they do not come about

She was worried about DHS cutting off her money and having to move into a nursing home...

I wish we could take her to live with us here...as I hate seeing anyone move into a nursing home..

I then took the dogs and headed to the cemetary...I put the flowers on the graves...I then headed home...It was not until I went past where Target and Wal-Mart used to be that it really hit me...I HATE coming through this part of town...

such memories...when Mom and I would go Christmas shopping together or just shopping together...when I went to Target to get them a shower curtain because Mom could not get into the tub with the shower doors there and we had to take them down and put up a shower curtain...when they called me from work because Mom fell at Wal-Mart...when we went Christmas shopping first to Target then across the street to Wal-Mart then down the street to Ventures then over to the Mall...sadly all are gone...baren and vacant just like what they have left in my heart and life...How much I miss them...the city has changed, my life has changed...I long to just go back five years...I long for them to talk to me again...to laugh together to love together...as I got home I had a bag of sunglasses I had taken out of my car that was towed because the hail totaled...what did I find in the bottom??? small kernals of popcorn from when Mom and I used to go see Christmas lights every year...a tradition...one that will never happen again...Yes Memorial Day and I remember my parents and how much I miss them...tears fall so slowly as I remember all the good times and bad times we had together...I had the best parents ever...Maybe I was too close to them but my husband would tell me often..."go take care of your parents they won't be here forever!!" so now I am to go take care of my husband...

Do we live like God Doesn't exist??

This was the SS lesson for today...kinda makes you think doesn't it...
the essence of the lesson was
Do we believe in God....
#1 But don't know Him
#2 But are ashamed of our past
#3 But won't forgive (Mark 11:25-26)
#4 But think He doesn't love us
#5 But think He is not fair
#6 But don't think you can change yourself
#7 But we worry all the time (Matt 6:25-34)
#8 But not in prayer

I think the ones that spoke to me the most were #4 But think He doesn't love us and
#5 But think He is not fair and #7 But worry all the time
first off I will start with the stress involved when I was helping the parents...there were
times I screamed out because I did not understand just why God was doing this to me???
Why was he having me take care of parents and deal with their finances, their medical,
and DHS all at the same time???
I did not think God was fair to me and I worried not only about me but about the parents and
their finances...
Well as time went on and after the parents went on I now understand why we allowed them to live a long life...It was not for their sake but for mine...because they fulfilled my life...all our Holidays were spent with them..all our time was spent with them...all our activities were with them...and now that they are gone there is a void...it is only my husband and I and I truely miss having family...I get jealous of those that have family...
So we now come to my life now...do I feel any more loved??? Do I feel God is anymore fair??? I would say no not really because I do not understand why He did not allow us to have children and I don't think it is fair and at times I feel He didn't love us enough to allow us to raise children...Do I worry less?? No because I worry about our elderly years...how will we survive?
We won't have children to help and I worry about where we will end up..
I wonder if it is ordinary Like it says in Proverbs that the Barren Womb is never satisified or if
I can ever reach satisifaction in my life??
Sometimes I go to church and even seeing families makes me sad because I wonder why we don't have one???
I will strive for Happiness reguardless and Hope that God does love me and there is a reason why!!