Chill Day

Was sick today with a sore throat and headache to I stayed home...
Did not do too much got alot done...You know those little things you never have time to do when you are working

Organized my Make up and Jewelry (How I do need to down size more but have to still be attached to alot of Moms Jewelry and Dads watches)
Even found a pair of Dads eyeglasses that I still hold onto...
If I ever move and have to downsize it will be a nightmare!!

I also got alot of Stitching done...
I held the dogs (sometimes just a little bonding helps in every blended family and yes we are a family)
I also reminsced on Mom and when I had to lie to her when I was sick or she would worry about her 50ish daughter!!!
I fell better but still not up to par yet...however I feel a workday coming on tomorrow : > (

Veterans Day 2010

This was my first Veterans day without Mom...
Not that Mom was a Vet but it was OUR day to start Christmas shopping...
I thought I would be sad...but I wasn't instead I was off work and got necessary repairs
or rather maintenance work done on my car then I took my Veteran husband out to dinner...
We met another couple there and ended up all 4 of us eating together...

I did not get any shopping done but did get most done on Saturday afterwards...and I have
had several shopping trips with my High School friends...It is not like I am totally alone..

I felt proud and saw on FB where everyone was honoring the Veterans I even posted hubbys
service picture...
yes Mom and Dad may be gone but life goes on and the memories of them and what they stood for lingers on...Dad as a Veteran and Mom in all her wisdom telling me how to fold the towels!!

Why I want to be a Mother

I know I will never be a Mother but thought I would explain why it bothers me so much

You see I know how special Mothers are...
There is a special bond between Mothers and Daughters
I had that...I had that with my Mom I LOVED shopping with her and I LOVED helping
her and I was proud
Just last year I took her shopping and I was so proud

Well there is also a Special bond with Mothers...they are all special and I see the bond they
have...I feel left out of that bond...I don't know why God did not let me have that bond but
It does hurt me to not have that bond

So for all you Mothers out there...YOU are special...and that is why I do not feel special...
perhaps I am in a way but not the way I want to celebrate my womanhood...

I am sad

I am sad today
Why is it when women get together they seem to talk about how they had their kids
Labor and delivery...
Conversations I will NEVER be able to participate in...
Sometimes I just HATE my life and I wish I could just be a hermit because women don't
care how I feel...

They keep on and on with the conversation not realizing there are people in the room that do not have children...then I go to church thinking it will be better and it is NOT...we are the only couple in the church that wanted children but never have them...the preacher preaches about
his family and in SS they say "Mothers and Grandmothers are special"

We are not special we are no bodies...we are just here trying to find our own activities to fill our lives...we don't have the ball games to attent like parents do, we don't have school programs like parents do...we don't have the baby showers, the graduations etc

I feel so ALONE!!!

Good Grief part 2

Last night was OK
Found out alot of my feelings are quite normal...
Found out people are normal too

They tell me it is OK to see sad at times, OK to have feelings...
We mask our feelings
When people say "how are you" we say fine when we are not...

Because that is what they want to hear...
We ignore our feelings...we tend to say "that is not for me"
or it is for someone else...

I remember after Mom died I kept telling everyone that because she was
elderly it was much easier...however that is not true...I had her longer
I was close to her and the longer you have her the closer you are to them
the harder it is...

Yes I masked my feelings because that is what I wanted to think...
Yes Mom and Dad and Goldie were elderly however they were my life...
Now it is like we have an empty nest...
We are starting out all over again...by ourselves...
One day one hour one minute at a time..

Adoption option

Saw an acticle today about adoption and it made me wonder all over again
Why God did not allow us to adoption a child...

I think alot of people look at us as if we did not try and I think alot of people think adoption is easy...
We went through all the adoption stuff...the home study, the interviews, the paperwork, we had an agency who ripped us off, we tried going through an attorney, we even put an add in the paper and had a couple want us to adopt their child...

With each adoption prospect it would get so close and then their minds would change or it would fall through or something would happen...we have even had people call us from the hospital and say they had a baby for us and then call us an hour later to say minds have changed...
I completely lost count I think it was 7-8 adoptions that we lost...

Yes I do wonder why...but once I heard someone say Why Not??
Why not me to be the one to tell how it feels??
Why not me to be the one to hug the woman who has just lost her child she was carrying or the adoption they were trying for...
Because I totally understand the pain involved...
Life isn't always perfect but we just have to live one day at a time and look for the one who needs us the most!!

Cell Phone Silence

We got our cell phones so we could reach each other easily and so that when something happened to Mom and Dad we could be contacted easier...
We have loved our cell phones and at times gone over our minutes....
The aide would call "Your Mom is impossible!!! She won't take a shower" or "Your Dad fell" "is he OK" "Yes he is fine just bruised" over and over it rang with both good news and bad...

I would call my Mom and she would call me...talked to Mom just about every day...(even on vacation) talked to my Aunt also...we came from a family of talkers at least Mom, aunt Goldie and I....we all loved it...

I would tell Mom about the doggies...It would cheer her up...

But now my cell phone is silent...dead as a door...I play the games on it and check my e-mail
Oh I may get an occasional phone call but it is definately not ringing off the hook...
I am sad
The next generation does not call...they text or facebook and so people like me sit in silence...
I am beginning to HATE this new generational communication...

My sister would not call my Mom...she does not call me...she instead sends 4 page letters telling how much money she does not have...duh!!!
That is not communication at all...

I would just love to throw my phone in the trash...what good is it?? I can't wait until all these Holidays are over with and maybe I will get happier...

camping

We like to go camping alot...
Had quite a bit of stress free camping trips when we had two elderly parents to tend to...
Now all of a sudden they are gone...
Funny how things work...parents stress you out while they are here (dad calling you wanting you to help), Mom worried constantly about you...
Then they are gone and you really miss them...you miss the phone calls and the conversations...
I would call Mom from our camping trailer...
I would tell her when I got there and when I left...
I would tell her about the little turtles and squirrels...

I would tell her how much I loved her
Now I feel sad because she is no longer here to share with...
I have no one to share with and
my cell phone grows cob webs on it as I sit by the camp fire!!

Good Grief part 1

I signed up for a grief class...

It was really good...it teaches you what grief is and that you are not alone in all this and even
after so much time it is normal to still experience it...

There was a young girl sitting next to me who cried...I wanted to reach out and hug her but I
didn't...I found out her Mom had just died several month ago...

I feel so bad because I miss my Dad, my Mom and my aunt and all my relatives and because it seems like I have no one at all...
So what do I do for the Holidays...this will be covered in class...good another lesson

After class I will call her Peggy (not her real name) met the teacher after class...she was in tears well yes her grief is fresh...I hugged her and it felt good to have someone who had something in common...She missed her Mom...I missed mine too...

She cried and I cried with her.....If is Normal to still miss Mom after (almost a year)???
Is it Normal to get depressed over Holidays??? Is it normal to cherish Moms things...to think of her, to feel sad because my husband (to whom I must live with the rest of our lives) deleted Mom off the phone...
I found out Yes...yes...and yes...

I am normal and so glad I am...I think this class will certainly be good for me!!!

Christmas Ornament

Christmas Ornament I made in class
Plan on making more

What is Grief

Ever wonder what Grief is???

Heck if it is crying all the time after losing someone I think I do qualify!!

Seems like when you lose someone you get all kinds of cards...
people box you in "Call me if you need me" or "I will be praying for you"
Oh all this is good and appreciated but then what about the week after or the month afterwards??

Does grief last a few days then goes away??
I remember after Mom passed I was OK until the day of the funeral then I went limp...
I had to have the neighbor help me dress...
and the following Sunday oh I was OK at church then I broke down in the middle of Kohls...
Me the person that definately does not like to call people called a friend of mine who talked me through it...
"yes you are normal" "go to your car and have a good cry and yes, dear this will not be the last time"

So after losing three in two years I am going to attend a Grief support group...
By the time my life is finished I will be a member of so many support groups it will be a record...
A weight support group, an Alzheimers support group, care-givers support group, Grief Support group and a Stitchers support group....

Maybe I will get answers and maybe not but at least I am trying!! As long as we try that is what counts!!

Lost

Tonight I got lost going home from stitch night

I had a moment or so where I did not know where I was....
I was going on the side of some expressway but where was I...

After while I ended up about a mile from where I should be...
How did I get there??? I did not know then all of a sudden I figured it out...
but when you have been a care giver for so long I think You actually have a fear...

Am I going to get Alzheimers??? Am I going to get Parkinsons and end up in a nursing home??
How will I turn to?? Who will help me?? What if my husband dies and I am by myself??

All these are common feelings and do not go away overnight!! It may take a lifetime....

In the meantime...I am glad I finally got back to reality..

Why I write

Maybe alot of people will read my writting and think it is depressive however I write
to get my feelings out...

Alot of times I cannot express myself to anyone...OK so we don't have kids but you cannot explain to a woman who has 5-6 kids what it is like to not have any...
Alot of times I feel like I am by myself in my feelings and sadness so I write about how I feel...

It sure does help me...It may not help you or it may who knows there may be another childless couple out there who has the same feelings...or someone who had lost their Mom and Dad or someone to whom can relate...
If not I can relate to myself...
I have been a writter since High School...sometimes sad sometimes happy...

Even in sadness you can be blessed...even with no children you can be blessed...even with a household of children you can be blessed...even in death you can be blessed

and so we all trudge along and I write so I can express how I feel!!!

My Church

Ok guess I will tell a bit about my church...

Kinda strange...It is a BIG church and I mean BIG has probably 5,000 members...
We are not close to anyone in the church...we have acquaintances in the church but not anyone I feel I could call and talk to..

We choose this church because alot of times we were in a small church and with not having kids they thought we had just all the time in the world and we ended up doing about everything...just got tired...
For along time we rode motorcycles so we were gone and had no church home...we were in a Christian Motorcycle ministry so not like we didn't get preached to...
Then came caring for the parents...when Dad moved in with us I concentrated on him and Mom
Told dad "you took me to church when I was little so we will make sure you can go to your church" poor man he was a deacon in his church and had Parkinsons but he did his church records for his SS class...so every Sunday Dad and I would head to his church I would drop him off to be with Mom and his class...then I would go home (our only time to be along with each other) and then I would pick him up after church where Mom would come over and we would all have dinner together (had a family then at least)
Then when dad got in the nursinghome I was soooo upset and crying all the time (don't think I have ever stopped) and that is when we joined the church...we would go every other week as I took turns (with their aide) taking Mom to SS then across the street to be with Dad They would sit together in church at the nursinghome and hold hands it was quite sweet...

We were under so much stress I would write a Prayer request every week...they have a terrific prayer ministry and I was grateful..

The church has been helpful during both the deaths of my parents...
It is just kinda strange going to a church where the Pastor does not even know you...Oh he knows our name but that is about it...
Alot of times we feel lost...
They have alot of activities for parents and teens and little kids but nothing for a couple like us that has no family...they even have a Womans activities but I am gone so much with my cross-stiitch friends that I feel guilty leaving my husband at home all the time...
We need couples activities and I can see my husband has no "Christian men friends" He needs some but has done...I get worried about that but then I cannot change things...
I have alot of Christian women friends from my Cross-Stitch group, my HS friends, and work but My husband does not have that...

I think of all the pastors we have had in the past...Bro John and Bro Delancey were both terrific and have since gone to be with God...so having a pastor that is so distant is strange...I tried once to go on a Sunday Night but ended up in tears remembering my great pastor...I don't believe you should be sad when you go to church...NO Way...

I don't blame the pastor because this is the church we have chosen at the time...I just remember the great ones I have had....and wish my husband could find the good Christian men examples like I have had in the past...

And so we go to church...why because we should but we also have our enjoyment at the lake (we have made lots of friends there) no we are not sinners just a loving couple that does not want to spend their lives just going to work and church and that is all...we believe in having FUN!!!

Depression

So is is normal to be so depressed???
Especially with Holidays coming??

Nothing seems to effect my hubby...he just takes it all in a grain of salt...
Not ME I cry and look at old pictures and cry

I think this depression is because at the end of this week is the anniversary of my Dad passing...
wish I could spend one more day with him...
He was always the dad that could fix anything,,,then he started relying on my to fix everything for him...
He was the dad that would spend time with me...played ball with me when I was younger...then when I got older Mom and I were shopping budedies but Dad he was my breakfast partner...the man loved going out for breakfast...
We also had many camping trips together...
At the end I would go to the nursinghome and sit with him and share a pop with him...

Heck no wonder I cry because he was gone he was a GOOD dad and not too many have good dads these days...I was very fortunate!!

Thanksgiving and Christmas

back about 6 month ago I was dreading the Holidays...


What are we going to do without Mom and Dad and my aunt now...
Holidays for the past 10 yrs have been
pick up aunt Goldie..
then get Mom and Dad (dad was in the nursinghme at one pt we hired a service to bring him
here for the Holiday dinner)
then we would have a big celebration complete with Turkey for Thanksgiving and Ham for Christmas..

But within two years they are gone!!

So what are we going to do now??

Our entire life this year is under adjustment...went from camping in campgrounds to a stationary camper
I was worried at first but now we are planning to travel for Thanksgiving...we are going to Lawton to visit relatives we have not seen in a long time
For Christmas we have no one to shop for anymore (all gift cards) so we are adopting a family of 6 who would not have a Christmas and we have already been invited by a friend to have Christmas dinner at her parents house..It will be different..I feel like an orphan that needs a place to celebrate...

At least we won't be alone and we will have people that love us all around us..
Look both forward and with tears the upcoming Holiday season..

In the eyes of God

I seem to make a decision (read one scripture verse a day)...well I don't know what is wrong but it will last for maybe a day or two or three then I forget or my life gets in the way..

What happened to my dedication or devotion?? Where am I at in the eyes of God...

I don't think God wants our dedication and devotion and yes he loves to see the person who is reading the entire Bible in a year however to me right now God seems so faw away...It may be all the struggles we have been through the past 10 yrs...caring for the parents...screaming out "why does God hate me??" the death of the parents...the guilt of things I could have gone differently...feeling ashamed the I screamed at God!! Wishiing the parents were still here (even with the stress and struggles) The many tears I cried at night and many tears I still cry...when I am alone in the dark with no one watching except me and God..

But I believe God see our effort also...He is pleased when we try...He may not look at it as failure the way we look at it as failure...He may just want us to live one day at a time...one thought at a time one moment at a time and dwell on the future...

Has God moved?? He seems so far up there...losing three relatives within two years is not easy and makes me dwell on death and after death...I get scared and I get lonely and I miss the parents, and my aunt...but I will take it one day at a time one thought at a time one moment at a time and keep on trying to look up..

Discrimination

Today we went to Sunday School...we have not gone to Sunday School for quite a while as we have personal problems fitting into the group....Yes I say Personal problems for we understand it is not anyone except us......we are the outsiders we are different...since we don't have kids...

so we go today and what is the lesson on "Discrimination" OK so are we discriminated against or do we discriminate??? Maybe we put out lives in a mold and make ourselves different...Maybe we just wanted to have children so much we never got past it...
Am I being Discriminated against or do I discriminate against Mothers??
Last Night I sat by a friend...she has four children and a new grandbaby to which she never has seen you see her son lives in Colorado and she is caring for a Special needs child so her son cannot afford to come here nor can she afford to go there...so she was showing me pics of the grandbaby she has not seen,,,Look, listen the way I want others to look and listen to me...
So when I went to bed I said a special prayer for her...

You see I don't blame people...heck if we had a while household full of teenagers and grandchildren I sure would NOT have time to get with others...so Maybe it is ourselves...or because I see my womanhood in jepordy...
One thing I have learned from dealing with the parents is there is NO perfect situation...My Dad was not happy...he fell alot and had to do what we told him to do and he was not happy (but he did teach me ice cream healed every hurt), Mom was not happy...yes she was a mother so motherhood must not be the answer...Mom lost a child at birth and Mom had TB two things she never got over...Mom always thought no one loved her...and Mom was upset alot (I think alot of it at the end had to do with her Alz) and my aunt was not happy...I have found poems she wrote about her unhappiness when her son took her grandchildren away from her...
and her I think alot of times Motherhood is the answer to my unhappiness...If I only had children I would fit in and I would be happy and I would not feel discriminated against...
I sit here in tears...because I don't want to be discriminated against nor do I want to discriminate...
So where do you find happiness??? Will I live the rest of my entire life unhappy because I am not a mother?? If I let it ruin my life it will...If I don't get a grip on it then it will be there forever...so starting today I will read one scripture verse a day...so strive for happiness that I don't feel right now...Yes I know I am not perfect and yes I don't read the Bible like I should...heck I even downloaded a Bible app thinking it would help me to get into the Bible more...so I have Gods word at my desk, in my home and even on my phone and I cannot read just one verse a day...no wonder I am so unhappy!!!
I just recently heard on the radio a story of a man that was complaining about all his problems and his friend said he would take him someplace where there was not problems...so he took him to the cemetary...You see no one there has problems because they are all dead...everyone has problems and happiness is a choice...so choose happiness...
Remember starting today one verse a day I choose Happiness!!!

Death and Dying

What a morbid subject......
yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...
First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to do
more than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...
I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...
I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...
then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??
I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...
So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...
as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NO
I have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...
Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...
My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...

Oklahoma State Fair

As I get ready to atten the Oklahoma State Fair I look back and the times my dad would take off Annual leave from Tinker Air Force base and work at the fair for extra money...
We would leave before daylight packing a lunch...and I would get in free with him...I would sit in the Hobbies building and Dad would drink coffee and give me hot chocolate...

He would go to work as a guard or parking cars and I would get to roam free (I was 14 but back then you didn't have to worry much about it) and without cell phones I had to check in with dad occasionally to let him know I was still there...

We would then meet for lunch and eat together...Dad telling me all his WWII stories and about his childhood and then again I got to go on my own after lunch...I found out the first year NOT to spend $14 by pulling strings for a stuffed annimal that they probably paid $5 for..

Then dad would get off work around 4 or 5 and we would ride the Monorail or Space Tower for free...then we would get back in the car and head back for home...Life was good...
dad was good and OHHHHHH how I miss him now...
I will go to the Fair today and I will think of Dad as I see the little man parking cars and I will eat me a corn dog for Dad after all some traditions never die out!!!

Does God really Know Best??

Ever wonder if God really knows best?? Yes that is easy in small areas of your life but how about the BIG ones...I never was good at being left out of anything...and now what?? I am left out of life and woman hood by not having my hearts desire...a child we both longed for and tried for...

I wonder if I will ever be satisified...as I see couples have babies, then they grow into toddlers and grade school and they get to attend school programs, funcations and events and Jr High which leads to ball games and plays and more programs and High School and they attend graduations and dances and they see them date and go off to college and then they get married and the family expands into in laws and grand children and here we sit...and sit...and sit just watching the movements all around us...never participating never becoming a part of it just listening to them tell us..."Of it shouldn't bother you it is not all fun" Ya think!! Nothing in life is all fun....but at least you can partiicpate and not just be a spectator!!

I think it is during these times I really Miss my Mom and Dad they were my life...they kept me going I often would think WHY did they live so long...well now I know it was NOT for them but for ME!!! So I would have something or someone to keep me going...and yes they did...

As my husband and I have recently said we would like to meet just one couple that is like us that had yearned for children and tried ever avenue but it never happened...we would like to meet just ONE other couple so we can relate and not just look on...

Mental Health

OK I feel like I am ready for a Mental breakdown...
How much can ONE person take by themselves??
First I had to care for my Dad who had Parkinsons and Dementia (would do it again in a heartbeat!!) then he passed in Oct 2008
then immediately cared for my Mom who had Alzheimers and Arthritis (again would do it again in a heartbeat!!) She passed in Dec 2009
Well now I have my Aunt...it seems her grandchildren think because I am her POA I am solely
responsible and that I need to do it all....
I am at my wits end...I did not ask for this and do not deserve this....
Does God not care what I am going through???
It makes me question everything!!!
I cannot handle everything and God knows this...when they quote the scripture that God does not give us more than we can handle I wonder is it true???
Her granddaughter uses the excuse that she does not drive!!! Hello Taxi cabs!!! Buses!!! Children and neighbors that have cars!! If you want to help you will...When will I have a fullfillment in life??
When will life change for me???
Why does all this have to happen???
How do you go on when you feel like you are at your breaking point?? I am in tears constantly...and have no peace in my life!!! I stopped by the cemetary yesterday and talked to Mom and Dad...Don't know if you are suppose to talk to the dead however I did!! and I told Mom to help me somehow even if she has to talk to God...

The talk

I had to have "the talk" with my aunt...
She can no longer live by herself and will be in the nursing home for good...
Somethings in life are just not fair...
It was not fair that my Dad was in a nursing home, taken away from his wife of 58 yrs to spend the last 3 yrs of their marriage alone and apart from each other...I saw her cry so much
every time they had to part from each other..
It was not fair that after he passed Mom got worse and I had to move her from her home of over 50 yrs to an assisted living facility...It was not fair she cried herself to sleep...I tried to sooth her but she did not understand...
They never do understand that you are doing this for their safety and well being..
It is not fair I am having to be in charge of my aunt because no one else will...
It is not fair I am having to have "the talk" with her and that I am the one to see the tears...

Yes some things in life are just not fair...so I ask myself How do you deal with the unfairness of life?
1 You trust God that the unfairness is part of HIS plan
2- You look at the good side of life...the people he has brought together the times I spent with Dad at the nursing home sharing pop with him while he thought he was a school bus driver
3- You laugh at the little things, and cry when you feel the need to (It helps you feel better)
4 You find it is OK to get mad, or angry and sad because that is a part of life
5 and most important you enjoy life while you have it...go on trips, have BBQ's, pray and life one day at a time because God has not promised you a tomorrow but he has promised you LIFE for today!!!

Why does no one care??

Why does no one care??
Why does my family not care how this effects me mentally??
Why do they think I am the one to do everything??
I can't I cried all night long...I feel like I am falling apart...

My aunt called me yesterday wanting this and wanting that...Hello why does she not
call her grandchildren??

A wise woman yesterday quoted the Serenty Prayer to me yesterday so she told me to disect it and list what I have to do and what I do not have to do...
As her POA I am required to sign documents, handle her bank accounts and get her on DHS (this is what I need GODS help in as it so reminds me of the hell I went through with my parents and I hate no one cares what I went through)
However this is what I will NOT do...I will tell my aunt if she needs anything to call her grandchildren, I will tell the nursing home they will have to handle all MEDICAL stuff, I will let her family bury her, I will NOT visit her every week I will let her grandchildren visit her and If they don't I will NOT feel guilty...

God help me I feel so sad and so upset and I feel like I am having a breakdown and no one cares..

Having a Mental Day

Ever live your life all over again???
Well this is it again...and I feel another breakdown..
First I took care of my Dad...took over his finances downsized him, moved him into the nursing home and salvaged half their assets for Mom who never worked...

Then I took care of my Mom over night the caregiving changed from Dad to Mom...especially after dads death...I had to again downsize her continue overseeing her finances moving her into Independent living then assisted living and managing her care...

Well now Mom has been gone 6 months and my nightmare continues...now it is my aunt...I signed up a long time ago to be her POA so I am in charge of downsizing her, moving her into the nursing home and managing her care...

I really feel a mental breakdown coming down and I am sad, depressed and feel such a burden on my sholders...unless someone has had to care for an elderly relative they cannot understand...
I just want to cry...and say Why me??

Caregiving

Funny how your life can change overnight
One minute you are wondering what you are here for and the next you have purpose..

My elderly aunt who is 86 and very Independent and never wanted me to help her called me
she wanted me to place her in a nursing home because she did not feel well I told her I would get help to take her to the Hospital and then if they thought she needed a nursing home we could go from there..
So I checked her in and she has COPD, Emphasema (never smoked all from second hand smoke) and now Pnemonia
Overnight I became another caregiver...It is sad to see them like that but helped me also to find someone else to care for...as I was going through the (after caregiving syndrom)
The therapist came in and tried getting her to stand and she could not stand...she sat on the bed and looked at me and said "have you ever seen anything like this??" I replied "yes twice before."

She is doing better but I am taking it all one day at a time and in the meantime being there for her...Life is just full of turns...You never know who will need you next..

My Life

Right now I am trying to fill my life with fun and activities...
I am working Overtime as hubby has worked some also...and we are making
trips to the lake and I am planning activities with my High school friends and with my
craft friends...at least that way I do not think of our childless state nor about not having the
parents...
I think it has been decided I am going through a midlife crisis to where you just wake up
one day and everyone except your husband is gone!!! Well I have made it thought puberty, I have made it through my teen years, school, marriage and raising the parents through their elder years so yes I will make it through this also...
I have found if it feels bad I do not have to do it...like our sunday school class...I LOVE the people it is not their fault...but when I go I feel bad because they talk about their kids and their families
and I start feeling bad...so we go occasionally when we want...Is that bad?? Do you have to be in church every single Sunday to be a Christian? What about when you feel like you don't belong??
I have downloaded a Bible to my phone so I can get scripture...it is so hard to get into Gods word as much as I try...but I believe church attendance is between only me and God He alone knows my heart and my hurts...He will be there I have to believe that!!!
Life can be fun and it can be exciting and that is my goal to make it that way!!

Friends

Thank God for friends...
Was feeling bad about shopping...Missed the trips Mom and I used to take and it got to the point I did not want to go shopping and when I did I would not spend and did not know why I even went anyways I replied to a friend on Facebook and one thing led to another I got a Personal e-mail from a HS buddy who said "I may not be your Mom but would love to go shopping" so three of us connected and spend the day shopping...We had a blast!! We went out to lunch, then to alot of stores where we bought and I got a new purse and shoes...then topped it off at Braums...
Thank God for friends who care!!!!

July 4th Holiday

July 4th was really hard on me...
we went to our camping property at the Lake and it was a blast...but my memories kept going
back to Mom and Dad...my life is totally different this year...we usually stay home for the Holidays and have Mom and Dad come over for a picnic or BBQ however this is our first year
without the parents and after spending over 30 yrs with them on the Holidays we have to get out and do something different as it would be no good to just sit at home and be depressed so it is better to be out and about at the lake and be depressed right???
It worked...yes I missed them both horribly but being at the lake was far better and kept my mind off of until....at least until we got back home and I sat down and had a chance to think about them and our lives...I have a feeling we will be taking alot more week-end trips...

Where Ever He Leads I'll go

Whereever HE leads I will go....
I have sung this song many, many times...I am sure you also have sung this song also...but do you really mean it?? Do I really mean it???

I seem to have a problem that has magnified since the death of my Precious Mother...
a very dear friend of mine has told me I talk about it too much and it makes me negative but I am not so sure about that...
First off my problem is we were never blessed to have children. No one understands where I come from...Parents don't understand the feelings of being left out from conversations and discussions. We go to church (the family place to be) but we don't feel like a family because we are only two...we go to Sunday School where most of the discussions revolve around parenthood..It is often decided that because they are parents and grandparents they are special (where does that leave us??)
When Mom was alive I felt I had a purpose I was able to "Mother the Mother" and I was her care-giver...first my Dad and then my Mom I did this for about 10 yrs and I felt needed and now I don't feel needed..I feel lost.
I look through the church builetin and everything is for children, teenagers and elderly..couples our age are busy with their families so there are no activities for the Middle aged couple with no children..So we fill our time with going to the lake and making our own friends...
Look at your friends...most parents have friends who are parents of their childrens friends...they meet each other in school or school activities...we do not have that priviliage...
I hear parents talk about their activities...most are around their children...basketball games, football games, volleyball, music programs, plays, programs...
But we have none of these activities...we are not even close to our nieces or nephnews so that is not an option either...
At times I feel so sorry for my husband as I have made friends through my crafts...My cross-stitch, my crochet I have retreats to attend and once a week meetings and once a month dinners...
My husband has tried so hard. He got a hunting gun but the guy who was to go with him ended not going, he bought a bow and arrow set, but could not find a friend to go hunting, he now has a fishing boat and is looking for a friend to go fishing with and is talking about getting into golf as he hears of everyone going golfing...he is trying so hard to find a guy friend to hang out with..

For the past 32 yrs our Holidays have revolved around the parents..we spent every Holiday with them..having picnics, BBQ's, going to nursing home activities, assisted living activities, etc and now we just have ourselves...I am totally lost...I am trying to take it one Holiday at a time..I have given away most all my Christmas decorations..Why decorate for only two?? I don't want to do Thankgiving either Why cook a big Turkey for only two??? One Holiday at a time...summer holidays are not too bad as I can at least to go the lake and meet people there..

We are not close to our relatives or else distance seperates us so we don't see them except on facebook or by text...I long for relatives...

Now do I talk about this too much??? Lets see I go to meetings and parties and what do the women talk about?? Their children, how they had their children, the pain involved in childbirth and the trouble children have caused and they get advice from each other...I am totally left out of the conversation...so what do I have to talk about??
My surgeries, how much we wanted children how it never happened and the hurt in my heart and how it makes me feel left out of society...
Is there any other couples out there who are childless??? If so I don't meet them in church...
Will it ever get better???
I try NOT to get mad at God but does He really understand a childless woman?? On Mothers Day or a childless man on Fathers Day??
If you were in my shoes If you never had your children could you really say "Whereever He leads I will go???"

Vacation Part 8 Relaxation

and finally it is just nice to get away and relax...get neck rubbs and watch other people work on the roads while we are sitting outside listening to the country sounds...

Vacation Part 7 The neighbors

We have wonderful neighbors...Biggie and Whitie...you have to look before you drive as they tend to rest under the vehicles...they will sit outside our camper waiting for our boys to come out to play...then they walk together and get their heads together to see what they all can find...

Vacation Part 6 The dogs

Our dogs make our vacation special...I call them my camper buddies...they enjoy long walks, long bicycle rides and playing in the camper...they tire out easily and sleep good at night...they are our joy and our life..

Vacation Part 5 Climbing stairs

Our property has a cliff in the back and the one next to us has stairs and a boat dock to which Mike tried fishing some from the dock...I went down to join him and going down is no problem however the stairs are very very steep...but I climbed them all

Vacation Part 4 A little Play

OK we did not just go to work but also to play...In the water

and fishing and hiking...

We got the boat out and yes I learned to pray as I played because I just do not like boats

and am trying to find Mike a fishing buddie so I can stay on dry ground

Vacation Part 3 More work

Seems everytime we go down there we burn brush because there is alot of brush to burn...

rake leaves, burn brush then rake more leaves then burn brush...

We still have alot of untouched brush at the back of the property and plans are to eventually get it cleared however I have to learn patience and one thing at a time and in due time it will all get done...

Vacation Part 2 A little work

Our main purpose for spending a week there was to relax a little and work a little

My wonderful husband build a beautiful set of stairs going down the back of our RV pad to where we could get up and down easily without have to go around in mud and leaves...

Also while there I made a deal with an elderly man and found a 350 gal water container to where we would not have to manouver our 50 gal water container over the hump in the road and water will be there all summer long...He sold it to me for $50 and we set it up then found an odor so loaded it up in the back of the PU and Mike took it to the car wash and rinsed it out and deodorized it really good...then I came up with the idea of putting the 50 gal container in the back of the PU and filling it up and pumping into the bigger one instead of trying to buy a trailer that won't even fit in our camping spot...

So we both got alot of work done...In one of the pictures you can see the water container sitting at the top of the stairs..

Vacation Part 1 Gods timing

We have had a wonderful vacation and Gods timing was perfect

We were to leave on Monday however things worked out to where we left on Sunday instead which was Gods Perfect timing as there were heavy rains and flooding in our area on Monday and if we would have waited we would have either been caught in floods or else had to wait...

where we were camping at it rained a little at night but other than that it was not bad...all North of us and I had a chance to sit down, relax, and enjoy the storm clouds

fear and faith

About a week ago we had a very scarry incident...

as I was walking my boys down the neighborhood street

a big dog came out of the yard next to the house we were in front of...

He was a very hugh dog and as soon as he saw us he started bounding to us

There were children with him however the dog did not heed the children calling

him back instead he bounced ontop of my little Babe...

If it were not for a man who came from across the street it could have been worse...

Poor Babe could have been dead or had deadly bites...

It was bad enough...

I called my husband who rushed to our aide...

All the children said was that they did not see us...

It first of all makes me mad...

The incident should have never happened...

Not only do people not care anymore but they teach their children not to care

They teach their children you don't have to obey the leash laws that it does not apply to them..

The dogs owner did not even apologize...He just took the dog and went inside..

If it were "Leave it to Beaver" the Beaver would have had to first apologize to the victim,

then make restitution...but in this day and time...the parent does not care nor will he teach his children to care

Second it has made me scared...

After walking my dogs for over 4 years in our neighborhood I now do not feel safe...

I at first was fearful to walk my boys anywhere since then I have finally gotten enough courage

to walk them in a local park however I now carry my pepper spray and am constantly on the look out...

Even at our property I had my husband to buy a dog run and we put it up so that at night I will have a safe place to take the dogs out...

And third I filed charges against the dog owner...Many have criticized me for doing this however I feel like "What if this would have been a child??" and for the owner not to care or feel bad...

The authorities came and took the dog and then we have a court hearing to determine if the dog is a vicious dog...and if so then the owner will have to abide by certain laws (hello have you heard of a leash??)

I have since sent the owner copies of my bill...if I receive no response I will have to take him to small claims court for expenses...Am I being too unreasonable?? No since my dog got victimized...If it would not have been for my little guy the dog could have gotten a bite out of me..then we would not just be looking at vet bills but hospital bills as well...

Until the public realizes the reason for Leash laws it will never change and people will feel like the law is not for them to follow...

Memorial Day 2010

Here it is Memorial Day and we will be going to the Lake
So I decided to go to the store and buy flowers for Mom and Dads grave..

No big deal, not really...

I really don't believe in decorating graves...at least not until last year...

Last year I took Mom to the cemetary where they had a ceremony and we decorated

Dads grave and they read his name because he was a veteran

So first I went to the store and got the flowers one for Moms grave and one for Dads grave

then I picked up and dogs and took them to see my elderly aunt...she is now 86 and the last

one of that era in the family...

She is blessed to have grandchildren and their husbands even though they do not come about

She was worried about DHS cutting off her money and having to move into a nursing home...

I wish we could take her to live with us here...as I hate seeing anyone move into a nursing home..

I then took the dogs and headed to the cemetary...I put the flowers on the graves...I then headed home...It was not until I went past where Target and Wal-Mart used to be that it really hit me...I HATE coming through this part of town...

such memories...when Mom and I would go Christmas shopping together or just shopping together...when I went to Target to get them a shower curtain because Mom could not get into the tub with the shower doors there and we had to take them down and put up a shower curtain...when they called me from work because Mom fell at Wal-Mart...when we went Christmas shopping first to Target then across the street to Wal-Mart then down the street to Ventures then over to the Mall...sadly all are gone...baren and vacant just like what they have left in my heart and life...How much I miss them...the city has changed, my life has changed...I long to just go back five years...I long for them to talk to me again...to laugh together to love together...as I got home I had a bag of sunglasses I had taken out of my car that was towed because the hail totaled...what did I find in the bottom??? small kernals of popcorn from when Mom and I used to go see Christmas lights every year...a tradition...one that will never happen again...Yes Memorial Day and I remember my parents and how much I miss them...tears fall so slowly as I remember all the good times and bad times we had together...I had the best parents ever...Maybe I was too close to them but my husband would tell me often..."go take care of your parents they won't be here forever!!" so now I am to go take care of my husband...

Do we live like God Doesn't exist??

This was the SS lesson for today...kinda makes you think doesn't it...
the essence of the lesson was
Do we believe in God....
#1 But don't know Him
#2 But are ashamed of our past
#3 But won't forgive (Mark 11:25-26)
#4 But think He doesn't love us
#5 But think He is not fair
#6 But don't think you can change yourself
#7 But we worry all the time (Matt 6:25-34)
#8 But not in prayer

I think the ones that spoke to me the most were #4 But think He doesn't love us and
#5 But think He is not fair and #7 But worry all the time
first off I will start with the stress involved when I was helping the parents...there were
times I screamed out because I did not understand just why God was doing this to me???
Why was he having me take care of parents and deal with their finances, their medical,
and DHS all at the same time???
I did not think God was fair to me and I worried not only about me but about the parents and
their finances...
Well as time went on and after the parents went on I now understand why we allowed them to live a long life...It was not for their sake but for mine...because they fulfilled my life...all our Holidays were spent with them..all our time was spent with them...all our activities were with them...and now that they are gone there is a void...it is only my husband and I and I truely miss having family...I get jealous of those that have family...
So we now come to my life now...do I feel any more loved??? Do I feel God is anymore fair??? I would say no not really because I do not understand why He did not allow us to have children and I don't think it is fair and at times I feel He didn't love us enough to allow us to raise children...Do I worry less?? No because I worry about our elderly years...how will we survive?
We won't have children to help and I worry about where we will end up..
I wonder if it is ordinary Like it says in Proverbs that the Barren Womb is never satisified or if
I can ever reach satisifaction in my life??
Sometimes I go to church and even seeing families makes me sad because I wonder why we don't have one???
I will strive for Happiness reguardless and Hope that God does love me and there is a reason why!!

Dads

My dad passed away Oct 08, 2008 and I never really grieved for my dad until after Mom passed...I guess I was busy helping Mom through her grief over him that I just did not concentrate on myself...
Anyways I have now started to really missing him and with Fathers Day and his BD month both coming up I started missing him...
We were talking at work and several girls say they did not have Dads that were there for them and that is carries over into adulthood when the Dad is not there for you...I on the other hand am quite blessed....
My Dad was always there for me....He was quiet and shy and definately not the leader of the family nor the discipilarian...(Mom did all that) but Dad was a Dad...he spent time with us...he was the one I went camping with, he was the one that played softball with me, that took me to the park that tried to sooth everything over by taking us out for ice cream...
Mom was the one I went to Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart or grocery shopping with,
Dad was the one I went to the swap meet, auto supply store or take out for breakfast with...

I was fortunate to get to know both parents as after my sister got married I had about 3-4 yrs of just me and Mom and Dad...we went on vacation trips together, we went to church together, we had time to talk together, at times I would have dinner ready for them...I got to know them and maybe that is why I cared for them in their elderly years...

I still won't part with the Magnet Dad bought for me at the auto supply store...I think it cost him 99 cents but he bought it for my craft projects so I could pick up needles with it...
After my Dad passed I made a list that went something like this...
Things I have never seen my Dad do:
1- Get drunk
2- Smoke
3- Cuss
4- Go out with other women
5- Go to a bar

Things I have seen my Dad do
1- Attend church
2- Pray
3- Read his Bible
4- Take up the offering
5- Cry when he heard a testimony
6- Spend time with his daughters
7- Hold hands with his wife

Yes I was truely blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anniversary May 17, 1978

As of May 17 we will have been married 32 ...
I look back to when we got married...

times were tough and jobs scarce but we survived...

I had moved to Lawton, OK with some friends of mine

when the money ran out my friends did too..

So here I was in a city I knew no one and I was very lonely and depressed...

I prayed for God to send me someone and I met my husband the next week...

We met in Jan and got married in May...we met at a Christian singles party where only

three of us had never been married and the other gal was engaged...

So hubby asked me out for coffee then he said "By the way you have to drive...I don't have a car nor a license"

I found out later he had wrecked his sisters car and had two DUI tickets...fortunately for us he quit drinking after that...

But we plunged into marriage with great expectations...

We would be happily ever after...we would have a BIG house, BIG cars, lots of land and lots of children...isn't that what most young people do?? Look forward to have a happily ever after life..

Little did we know what lay in store...

Lets see I could go into the infertility quest...with tests, drs visits, operations etc and still no child...or the adoption games where we would apply time after time and have them call us and say they have a child for us only to call again and say they changed their minds...

Or how about becoming the parent to the parent?? We never imagined my parents would become elderly and old and need the help they needed...Nor can I imagine how I did what I did for them...

Their have been money problems, job problems, acts of God (like recently to where we need repairs to both the house and the cars), and now we are looking at our retirement years ourselves...

Without children we have to decide now just how we will survive without the other one if something should happen since we do not have family...Or how we will spend our Sr years...

I look back on life and our marriage and life is short...32 yrs seems like a long time but it hasn't been it seems like just yesterday we were looking at the blissful life...

I once heard someone say...It is not the date of birth or the date of death but the dash inbetween that is what is important...

I hope to have 32 more years with my husband but if not then I know life will go on and I will go on and it is the precious memories that we cherish and look back on...

Yes I would have wanted the big house and the house full of children however if I had the big house I would have not had the memories of rebuilding the old house on Shartel or repairing our hail damaged roof and if I had the house full of children then I could not have honestly say that our marriage is not just held together for the sake of the children.. and I would not have the memories of my lovely husband holding me in his arms when I cried so desperately for the child that we did not have....If I had not had elderly parents I would not have known how he would tell me "Its OK spend time with your Mom she will not be here forever" or how he would have our Lunch ready after I took Mom to church or how he

said it was OK for Dad to live with us for a year and that he would say "yes bring your mother home for the Holidays.." Knowing that she could barely walk and was constantly depressed and forgetting even simple tasks...

He has been the best husband in the world.